A.

Have you told your husband what you like? What you don’t like? It sounds like you’ve kept the discomfort to yourself – which might lead him to believe he should keep doing what he’s doing.

I’ve happen to be working on a podcast episode about how perimenopause changes people’s sex lives. A guest says tells me her tastes have evolved as she’s aged. Her body works differently at 57 than it did at 37. 

She’s had to explain this to partners, which is complicated but necessary. She’s been honest about the fact that she’s relearning her own anatomy. She’s taught me, through interviews, that it’s never too late to say, “Even if I liked this before, I do not like it now.” 

Or in your case, unrelated to menopause, “I think there’s potential for me to like this a lot, but we need to make some adjustments.”

In relationships, we should expect a lifetime of notes and discussion. It’s not one thing forever.

Before you assume that this gym man is an expert at everything, find out if your husband can work with you on new choreography. It could be exciting, right? The idea that you could be sleeping with someone you know and love, but in an entirely new way?

Asking for change would not be rejection, by the way. If your husband can’t talk to you about sex and doesn’t care about your happiness, that’s a bigger problem.

Also, if other issues at home (division of labor, etc.) are making you less interested in intimacy, talk about that, too.

Many of us walk around feeling obligated to do a bunch of stuff (chores, extra work, emotional labor, etc.). After a while, it can become so routine that we forget to tell people what we want.

Find out if your husband is open to hearing more about what you desire. Maybe he’ll want to share, too.

– Meredith

Readers? How would you talk about this with a spouse? Is this about more than sex?

Also, send your own question. I want to hear what’s on your mind about exes, dating, love, loss, frustrations, hopes, friendship, marriage, etc. Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].