How will having kids affect our marriage?
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Q.
My husband and I have a wonderful relationship and hope to have children in the near future. I can’t help but worry about how entering parenthood will affect our relationship because I hear about how stressful parenthood is on a marriage (which makes sense!).
I’ve raised this concern, and he endearingly says he’s not worried at all … but I know that major life changes are stressful, especially when combined with exhaustion, coordinating care and responsibilities, etc. I also know hat women (i.e. me) tend to shoulder more of the home and childcare burdens even in the most well-intentioned partnerships.
Any tips for preparing for this next (potentially challenging) phase of our marriage? And/or, for not inserting worry about the future into our relationship? I’m already working with a therapist, but I love your advice so interested in your take!
– Interested
A.
Instead of trying to guess what will make you miserable in a few years, focus on what the two of you will do if you realize you’re in trouble. Because no one can predict the future, right?
It’s possible your husband will be excellent at getting the baby to sleep, so you’ll rest while he’s up all night. Or maybe that’ll be you, and you’ll need extra help during the day so you can nap more.
See, now I’m guessing, too. But let’s shift focus and say: if one (or both) of you needs to change the routine, you’ll listen to each other, spend money on support (when possible), ask for help from family/friends, and assume the best of each other. Can you agree to that?
I do understand your desire to dissect the stresses and conflicts ahead of time. It probably makes you feel like you have control over a scary next step. But from what I see in my community, you kind of have to get there and then figure it out. As long as you know you can communicate with respect and do your best to help each other, you’re good to go, I think.
If you stop trying to predict the pain points, you might worry less about an unknowable future.
But I do want tips from parents and other caregivers. Let’s share what conversations are worth having ahead of time.
– Meredith
Readers? Please share thoughts on how you (or others) communicated, prepared, or chose not to prepare. Also, explain how you worked it out – or didn’t.
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