How do I tell him I've been married before?

Thursday | January 18, 2024

Love Letters Marriage

How do I tell him I’ve been married before?

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Hi Meredith,

I’m newly engaged to the most incredible guy. The problem is that my fiancé and I need to apply for our marriage license, and he doesn’t know I’ve been married before. In fact, no one knows (besides my therapist).

The relationship I had prior to Mr. Right was an absolute trainwreck. I’ll omit some details for the sake of privacy and my mental wellbeing, but it involved being with an older man who was emotionally abusive, unfaithful, restricted access to my own money, etc. At one point, he convinced me that it would be best to elope. This is my biggest regret. I’m still sick to my stomach about it.

After not being able to handle it anymore, my family helped me pack up some of my stuff and I left with what I could. Soon after, I went to court to file for a restraining order and serve papers for the divorce. As this whole thing is wrapping up, cue Mr. Right. I told myself I wasn’t allowed to date anymore because of the relationship I just got out of. But I went for a few casual dates with Mr. Right, which turned into some serious dates … and then more dates.

During all of this, he’s been so patient and understanding of my PTSD/triggers from my prior relationship (he knows some of the main details, but not the elopement). And now here we are, engaged. I should be ecstatic. In fact, I’m quite the opposite. I have this secret eating away at me.

I want to open up and tell him everything so we can start our marriage with honesty. I’m just so scared that he’s going to walk away. The thought of it is bringing me to tears. He’s honestly the best thing that’s happened to me. With him, I finally feel like I’m living life. I don’t know what to do. I know telling him sooner would be better. But, I’m not sure how to approach it. Please help.

– Hopeful Bride-to-Be

Your fiancé has accepted everything you’ve told him. He’s loved you, stood by you, and has been empathetic about what you need after getting out of a terrible relationship.

He’s given you reason to believe he can handle more of the story. In fact, he might not be shocked by it (he knows he doesn’t have all the details). Maybe it’ll help him understand where you’re coming from.

Of course, it’s easy for me to say, “Just tell him.” Too easy because I’m not in your shoes. I hear you; it’s a scary thing, not knowing how he’ll respond.

Here’s where I’ll mention that domestic violence and abuse organizations can be helpful after people leave relationships. Experts can talk about language and honesty. They can give you tools to help you move on with joyful things.

It seems like a good time to try one (I always mention TheHotline.org here because it’s national). Ask how to talk about your past, but also find out what services are in your area for more assistance.

More would be good. It’s wonderful that you’ve met a great partner, but that happened ahead of schedule. Consider what support and time you need as you consider your history and future all at once.

There is no need to rush the process.

– Meredith

Readers? Thoughts on how to bring this up? Do these feelings have anything to do with the timeline and when the LW met this new man?

Marriage

Featured Comment

“You need to be honest with your fiancé. Hiding such a major part of your life – as painful as it was – is important for him to know. This is how we build trust and intimacy in a long term/marital relationship.

Since he already knows some of the details; I would tell him that due to the emotional pain and PTSD that you needed time to process but want him to know that you eloped and that it’s difficult to think about and talk about; but you wanted to share.

No need to reveal any other aspects of the marriage and control. Just letting him know and also being honest about how difficult it was to share. Your fiancé should be understanding and this should bring you closer emotionally.”

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