How do empty nesters keep the marriage going?

Friday | September 6, 2024

Love Letters Marriage

How do empty nesters keep the marriage going?

Some announcements:

Survey: Can you take this survey if you haven’t already? It’s a great way to procrastinate other responsibilities on a Friday.

Romeo and Juliet: We’re doing a Love Letters night after “Romeo & Juliet” at the American Repertory Theater on Sept. 26. There will be a post-show conversation about young love and why it matters so much … and how love changes as we get older. One of the stars of the production is from the show “Outer Banks,” so if that’s your thing, you will be pleased. This is a great thing to bring teens to for discussion. Or a friend. Or a date. But – if you use the code “loveletters” for the Sept. 26 performance, you’ll get a ticket discount. The conversation is free with the night.

Send your own letter: What’s on your mind about your dating/relationship/breakup life? Send a question by using the anonymous form or email [email protected].

My husband and I have been married for 25-plus years. When I met him, he was married and had a young child, but his relationship with his wife was horrible, according to him. I was the other woman. I was madly in love with him. I was 27, and now I realize there was no excuse for our affair. We made a mess of a lot of lives.

Now we are on friendly terms with his ex-wife and her husband, and together we raised my step-child in a loving family. We had a child of our own and his ex and her husband had kids. At this point we are all close.

Now that our children are adults and living on their own, my husband and I are fighting all the time. We have started talking about what we will do in retirement, which will happen over the next three to five years. But we have awful fights about stupid things. Trivial things like, do the polls favor Trump? Should we pay for our children’s cell phone plans? Or their college textbooks?

The arguments escalate quickly. Often end with me feeling tired and defeated and saying stupid things like “let’s just separate.” I love him. But I feel like we don’t like each other. A lot of these arguments are after we have had a nice dinner and some drinks. How do long-married couples keep it going?

– Help

What a big question!

I want to point out that the arguments happen after some drinks. Maybe try less of that and see how the night goes.

Really, though, it sounds like you need more exciting things to talk about. Are you pursing hobbies? Activities you love that you’re excited to chat about when you get home? Your kids are grown, so this is a great time to busy yourselves with clubs, classes, and different scenery. Do this separately and together.

If your kids aren’t around to provide you with new questions and experiences, you’ll have to find them for yourself. If you don’t, you’ll wind up ruminating about the polls and cell phone plans.

You can also go to therapy for specific skills – to learn how to stop the bickering before it starts. Please consider professional help. Therapy doesn’t have to be about digging up everything.

I do think it’s interesting that you told us so much about your husband’s first marriage. I assume you shared because you’re thinking about how you found each other and what connected you in the first place. Maybe you’re also worried that whatever “horrible” marriage he spoke of back then looks like what you have now.

These are very different relationships, so don’t compare. A lot of couples have to find their way to a new place after a big life change (kids moving out, etc.). Instead of looking back, ask, “Who do we want to be now?”

– Meredith

Readers? Advice on how to make life fun – and romantic, even – after kids leave for adult lives? How do you stop this kind of bickering?

Send your own letter: What’s on your mind about your dating/relationship/breakup life? Send a question by using the anonymous form or email [email protected].