My boyfriend and I, both early 30s, seem to be on different timelines for getting married, and we’re not sure what to do about it. We’ve been dating for about eight months, living together for three of them, and so far, so good. We’ve spent time with each other’s friends and families, including extended families, and our lives have become intertwined. We get along really well, and the relationship feels very loving, supportive, joyful, and healthy. We are each other’s best friend, and I feel comfortable sharing everything and anything with him. We’ve discussed the issue of our marriage/family timelines being misaligned, but it feels like we’re at an impasse, so that’s why I’m writing for advice.

For context, I was previously in a relationship for several years that led to a six-month engagement before my then-fiancé abruptly ended it when I was 31. Being discarded by the person I loved and trusted most in the world was incredibly traumatizing, and being single in my 30s was much more difficult than it was in my mid-20s.

My biggest fear is that this relationship will be another beautiful, years-long one that ends before marriage, and I end up single again in my mid-to-late 30s, with a much smaller dating pool (since I do not want to date anyone who was previously married or has kids) and a metaphorical expiration date on my forehead (since the clock is already ticking loudly).

In an ideal world, I would have liked to get engaged after two to three years and get married another year or two after that, and that’s essentially what I did previously. Now that I’m older, though, it seems best to get engaged after about a year (age 33) and married about a year or year and a half after that (age 34 or almost 35). Then, assuming we don’t want to spend some time just enjoying marriage, and assuming we don’t experience any fertility issues, the earliest we’d start to have kids is age 35. That’s the best case scenario and the best chance we have of having three kids naturally, which is what we want.

The problem is that my boyfriend does not have a timeline. He loves me and wants me to feel secure in the relationship and will be open to whatever I recommend that could make me feel better and is happy with how things are progressing… but he won’t commit to a timeline. After quite a bit of prodding, he shared that he’d probably want to get married and start having kids within five years. I responded that that doesn’t work for me, since that could mean not getting married until 37 or 38, which would be too risky for me (these years are valuable!!) and make our family-building goals unrealistic. I shared that while both our time is valuable, mine is valuable in a different way, because if he suddenly dumps me three years from now, that might ruin my chance of finding someone great (since some men have an upper age limit for the women they date) and/or ruin my chance of ever having kids (since I will not be a single mom by choice). He then said he “could know” after two years (when we’re 34-35) which may or may not mean engagement at that point or a year after that.

It doesn’t feel good to feel like I have to negotiate such an important part of our lives, to feel like I’m begging to be chosen, to feel like I’m waiting for someone to make a commitment that would make me feel truly valued and safe. I love him and know he’d make a great husband and father, and he loves me and our life together. I can’t help, though, but think about what I’ve read online: that when men meet “the one,” they know it pretty early on, and if he’s making you wait, he’s just not that into you and would marry someone within months if he feels that way about her. I’m not asking for marriage within months, but within two years would be great.

I also feel disrespected. It’s as if he’s saying he doesn’t care that I’d be screwed in the dating pool in a way that he wouldn’t if I agree to the longer timeline only to be dumped after a few years. It’s as if he’s saying that he doesn’t care about my physical health—not only are “advanced maternal age”/“geriatric” pregnancies much more difficult on our bodies and more likely to result in complications, but also, women who give birth for the first time after 35 are at higher risk of contracting and dying of breast cancer, and I’m already at high risk of breast cancer due to my genetics. It’s as if he doesn’t care about my mental health—considering the present, he knows that I am really worried about all this, and considering the future, people who experience infertility (which will probably be me if I abide by his timeline) suffer from it psychologically. It’s as if he doesn’t feel like he’s with a great catch, which I am by all accounts—I am attractive, in great shape, and do all the wifey duties, while also making more money than he does and giving back to the community in meaningful ways.

I am finding myself starting to feel resentful, and I’m not sure what to do. It seems like a lose-lose situation: either we rush into things, which is risky if a “mask” comes off at some point, or we take our time, which is risky if we want to naturally have three kids of our own. Either we go by his timeline, and I continue to feel worried and resentful, or we go by my timeline, and he feels pressured.

What do we do?

– Timeline