He keeps a messy kitchen
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Q.
What’s the best thing to do if your live-in partner is messier than you are?
My fiancé is a wonderful person, but his tolerance for mess and cleaning style are different than mine. I find little messes—e.g., crumbs on the table or food prep surfaces, used cloth napkins not put away after meals, oil splatter on the stove, mail on the kitchen island, dishes in the sink, sofa cushions askew—distracting, and I really don’t like having to clean up big messes, so I try not to make mess or tidy as I go (or within a couple days if I’m busy or tired).
He, on the other hand, can live with everyday mess, instead doing a big clean when he feels like things are really out of hand or before guests come over. Nagging is annoying for both of us and an ineffective long-term solution, waiting for him to clean up is distracting and annoying for me, and constantly cleaning up after him eventually makes me feel resentful.
How do other couples deal with this? The cleaning tasks that bother me the most are wiping down cooking/food prep areas after he cooks and loading dirty unorganized dishes from sink to dishwasher (I would prefer dirty dishes to go straight into the dishwasher to avoid double work, or if the dishwasher is full and dirties do need to go into the sink, for like items to be stacked together and utensils separated out so that loading is less gross and onerous, breakage is less likely, and the sink doesn’t look like it’s overflowing).
These last two tasks are tougher to reconcile because I’m not the natural cook that he is, so I really appreciate that he loves cooking and is good at it. It just blows my mind that there’s so much clean up afterward—much more than there would be if I were the one cooking. And sometimes the mess created is not for me, e.g. when he makes lunch for himself. Anyway: How best to deal, overall and with cooking-related messes?
—The Burden is on the Fastidious?
A.
Some things to know, as you read this answer: I am a terrible cook. I have no instincts in the kitchen. Also, I am messy – but I do not like it when there is food on the kitchen floor.
One tiny piece of onion attracts ants. I despise ants.
I am telling you this because I understand why you like things to be clean.
The issue: you’re not the cook. That means the kitchen is not your territory. You are a guest there – and you get the great benefit of being served.
My official opinion: if someone has the talent and energy to make a delicious meal – one I could never make – it is not their duty to clean up after themselves. Sure, they could do their best, putting dishes in the washer as they go. But I don’t think they have to.
Good cooks are doing art. They are splattering paint. They have a kitchen for a canvas and they are using it. I don’t want to get in their way; I just want to eat.
If you’re eating, you clean. If you’re not the chef in the house, you don’t get to decide how the dish washer is organized.
Sorry.
If there’s a case to make, it’s asking him to clean up after himself when he’s eating alone. Focus on that.
Apply your rules to other parts of the home, but only when it matters a lot. Maybe it’s about laundry or vacuuming – or putting the mail in one place.
Really, a stray cushion is not the end of the world.
– Meredith
Readers? What are the cleaning rules in your home? Is the kitchen everyone’s territory – or does the cook make the rules? Is it time to throw money at the problem and get cleaning help? An organizer?
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