Her mother is breaking the law

Thursday | May 23, 2024

Love Letters Marriage

Her mother is breaking the law

My live-in partner of the last several years is amazing, and I can see us having a long life together. Even though she’s had a rough life prior to meeting me (her mother gave birth to her as a teen and struggled to raise her), she was able to thrive and eventually put herself through college and law school, and she passed the bar earlier this year.

Her mother was a huge help in achieving this goal and gave emotional and financial support when required. I only found out recently that her mom took a lot of “shortcuts” to keep a roof over their heads in the formative years by dealing prescription drugs stolen from her place of employment. Worse, her mother never stopped.

This revelation has me conflicted about the future and totally committing to our relationship and possible matrimony. Will I end up being a possible witness in a criminal trial against my GF’s mother if things go sideways? Should I keep this relationship going or end it for the sake of avoiding future disaster?

– Shortcuts

Talk to your partner about how you can feel safe in this relationship. If you don’t want to hear about her mother’s activities, make that clear. If you need your partner to understand that you’d never lie to authorities if asked about the history here, let her know.

It sounds like you’ll never be comfortable accepting money from her mother, which makes sense. Think about what else it would take to give you enough space from this.

The most important thing is that you and your partner can share a plan for how to deal with her mother. Are you OK with how she feels about her mother’s actions? Do you get the sense she understands why this freaks you out? From my outside vantage point, the dealbreaker part of this isn’t the actions of the mother – it’s whether you feel supported and understood by your partner and can communicate with her to get to a good place.

I mean, she’s a lawyer, right? I do wonder how she frames this in her own mind. How is she at risk because of what she knows?

If she doesn’t think this is a big deal and will always choose to defend and protect her mother, that’s an issue – and yes, it might mean the end of your relationship.

That’s why you have to talk about it, with details about your comfort. Make decisions after you know everything.

– Meredith

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Featured Comment

“I think it matters whether she knew mom’s money was coming from drugs while being put through college and how she feels about that. Then, whether or not she’s willing to set firm boundaries with her mom about this will give you a lot of info about whether or not this will work.

If you love your relationship otherwise, I don’t think it’s worth ending it over immediately, but now is definitely the time to get more clarity and communicate about changes. If you don’t like what you get from that clarity or you find she’s resistant to setting clear limits, that’ll be your answer.”

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