He wants to save the marriage
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Q.
I met my now husband when I was a teenager; he’s 10 years my senior. Our relationship progressed very fast, but we were madly in love. We ended up moving to a new city in our home state after just a little over a year of dating.
Then everything changed. He became upset and angry all the time; he hated my new job and told me he felt emasculated. Rather than fix my relationship, I cheated on him. The experience changed my entire outlook on life; I hurt so many people (other than just my then boyfriend) with my actions. I vowed to never do it again and to become an honest person. We agreed to stick it through and work it out, but it was a devastating uphill battle. When I got pregnant, we married quickly and fought all the time. I came to find out he was texting other women during our relationship, but it was put aside because of my affair.
The years flew by, but the amount of anger and his berating me were finally getting to me. I pushed to get back to school and follow my dreams, and my husband supported my decision. Still, I found I had no esteem and I struggled for the first year of school to voice my opinions and deliver strong arguments. Nevertheless, I worked hard and pushed myself; I’ll be graduating soon!
Recently, I found out my husband never stopped texting other people and worse yet, one is his coworker. My husband has begged for my forgiveness, but I am struggling to make him understand it’s more than his texting (he swears he never physically cheated, but given the nature of the messages I do not find this credible); it’s the feelings he instilled into me over the years. For years I thought I deserved the pain because of what I inflicted on so many people with my affair. I slowly started to hate myself. When would I be good enough?
I am devastated that when the tables turned, my husband did the same thing he demonized me for. However, we are married and have a family. He tells me this is the beginning of us being happy again because his actions woke him up to what he would lose if he doesn’t change. He now believes he can move on from the past and be a better husband. I want to believe him, but I am struggling to cope with my feelings. I love him dearly and we’ve been through so much, but I have a child I need to consider. I want to think about what is best for my son, not just my feelings. It’s too painful to talk to family, so I appreciate everyone who has read this and can offer me any advice.
– What now?
A.
Therapy is a one option. You can talk to a counselor about what life might be like if you stayed married – or didn’t.
A qualified third party can help navigate the conversation. I assume your husband will be on board.
Use the time to figure out if you have matching goals for the future. When was your husband happy after that first year? What is he fighting to save?
As you think about all of this, stay with friends or family for a week to see how it feels to be elsewhere. Consider new living situations – how you and your husband could be close by but not in the same place.
To be very, very clear, when I mention therapy, I’m not saying you have to try to get excited about this marriage again – or even work on it. It sounds like it was never the partnership you wanted. You can leave, even after 1,000 apologies, even if he promises to make this right. It’s more about getting clarity.
If you already know you want out, there are other resources too. The Massachusetts site about divorce has some good information about options for next steps (most would involve a mediator or lawyer). I recommend calling any single parent you know to say, “How did you do this?”
Honestly, your letter makes it sound like you want to end the marriage, and that you’re preparing, emotionally, to say that out loud. It would be nice to have a few people in your circle to help as you get there. Can you think of three family members or friends who can be in touch and assist as you take next steps? Tell them everything. Let them in.
– Meredith
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