He Planned A Trip Without Telling Me

Thursday | June 4, 2015

Love Letters Marriage

He Planned A Trip Without Telling Me

Hi Meredith,

I am desperate for your advice – and some reader comments.

My boyfriend planned a five-day vacation to another city with some guys from his work without even discussing it with me or asking me how I would feel about it. The trip is in October, and his flight is already booked. Meredith, this is not a new relationship. We have been together for over two years. We live together. We have a dog together. We got in a huge fight because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with a man who clearly doesn’t even consider me when planning something major. Then he said I was ruining everything because he bought me a ring and was going to propose. I thought he was just manipulating me — but I found the ring. Now what?

I thought it was clear cut — the guy doesn’t love me enough to even have a conversation with me about something major, so I’m out. But clearly he loves me enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me. What should I do?

Communication is our biggest problem (his side – not mine) — and I don’t know if that is something that can be fixed. I’m stuck.

– stuck, south shore

Communication is your biggest problem, for sure, but the blame falls to both of you. Instead of asking him why he didn’t tell you about his plans, you jumped to the worst conclusion – that he doesn’t love you. Clearly there are bigger problems here.

It’s time to put the ring aside and to have a discussion about expectations. Some couples require permission for big, independent trips. Others do their own thing and assume that their partners are making separate plans. The point is that you have to figure out the rules together. Same goes for the marriage proposal. Have you talked about how that kind of commitment would change the relationship?

If the discussion falls flat, go to a couples therapist for help — or accept that this can’t be fixed. Without communication, you’re doomed.

Readers? Is the trip a big deal? Can the communications problems be fixed?

– Meredith

Living Together Marriage

Featured Comment

By the way you reacted it sounds like you don’t trust him. You left out why his trip is such a big deal to you. What are you so afraid of? Your bf clearly loves you but you need to chill.

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