He doesn’t want to get married. I do.
I read in the comments that some of you didn’t get Friday’s letter in your feed. But some of you did? Anyway, this was it, and it was A LOT, so don’t miss it.
Q.
Dear Love Letters,
I’ve been with my partner for seven years, and we have a deep, steady, joyful love. We’re truly each other’s person. We’ve grown up together, supported each other through real-life stuff, and built a life that feels like home. I have no doubts about our love or his commitment to me.
But I want to get married. And he doesn’t seem to.
It’s not that he doesn’t love me — he absolutely does. His hesitation isn’t about us, it’s about what marriage symbolizes to him. He doesn’t like being the center of attention. He doesn’t believe in “traditional” gender roles or the idea that love needs to be publicly declared to be real. He pushes back against what he sees as old-fashioned expectations. I respect that—and honestly, part of why I love him is how deeply he thinks about everything.
But I still want it. Not the big wedding, not the ring necessarily, but the yes. The formal commitment. The feeling of standing next to each other and saying, “We’re choosing this. Forever.” I wonder if wanting that makes me too focused on something symbolic, or if it’s OK to want that symbolism, too.
How do I hold space for both his beliefs and my dreams without making either of us feel like we’re compromising who we are?
– Yes
A.
Of course it’s OK to desire these things. You love your partner and want to celebrate that – to make your commitment something more official, even if it’s symbolic.
Symbolism is great. I don’t know how else to say it. Our lives are built around symbols, rituals, and traditions – even if we’ve invented them ourselves.
I do understand your partner’s feelings about all of this – quite well! If his biggest objection is the public piece of it, there are ways to get married in private, of course. If it’s the contract of it all (and it is a legal contract – don’t forget that!), the two of you could write your own document so it suits your needs.
Or maybe you can shift gears and focus on a future investment. Perhaps it’s about saving for something you’ll enjoy as a couple, long in the future.
Other symbolic acts that are also practical: making each other beneficiaries, listing each other as emergency contacts with doctors, etc.
One more idea: I love an anniversary party. Why not gather friends at your big 10? Plan something wonderful where you’re surrounded by community – and you get gifts. It’s kind of like a wedding, but more relaxed. It allows you to say to loved ones – and to each other – “we hope this keeps going forever.”
– Meredith
Readers? How have you celebrated a long relationship? Have you felt opposed to marriage – and then gotten over it?
Send your own anonymous relationship, dating, and friendship questions to [email protected] or fill out this form.
Be civil. Be kind.
Read our full community guidelines.To comment, please create a screen name in your profile
To comment, please verify your email address