He Cheated On Me When He Was 16

Friday | September 20, 2019

Love Letters Marriage

He Cheated On Me When He Was 16

My husband and I will celebrate our fifth anniversary in December. In June we’ll have been together 10 years. We have a 2-year-old and are trying to buy a house. Everything seems so great, but our main fight is that I don’t have any sex drive right now. He’s always asking me, and I’m just not in the mood. I think it could stem from something he did to me while we were dating seven years ago in high school. He cheated on me with three other girls; it was just kissing, supposedly. I honestly feel like I never got the full story about any of it, and I resent him so much. I still think about it and make petty comments to him about it.

I feel extremely guilty because he is a changed man he was only about 15/16 at the time, now 24. So yes, he was way more immature. He is such a great dad and treats me like a queen now, but I just can’t get over it. I feel so stupid about holding a grudge because I forgave him, but I still can’t move on from it completely. I still look at their Facebook pages. I’ve tried blocking them and even deleting my Facebook page. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I’ve asked him to go to therapy with me, but he refuses. I just want to have a good sex life with my husband and move on from this because we are in such a good place right now.

– Blocked

You can try therapy on your own. In fact, it sounds like that should be your priority right now. A professional can help you figure out why you’re stuck on something that’s very much ancient history. Those kisses happened so long ago – when your husband was barely old enough to drive. I have to wonder whether this resentment is about something else. Maybe you’re upset that he had other experiences and you didn’t. I don’t know. The point is, you need to do the work to figure this out. At the moment, he doesn’t have to come with you.

I have to wonder why high school still matters so much, in general. I guess it wasn’t that long ago, but you’re a grownup now with a new kind of life. Do the two of you have new friends? People you’ve met within the last three or four years? Are you still spending time with classmates who would have been around to see that decade-old betrayal? Maybe it would help to make plans with friends who don’t know any of this history. I find that when I meet people as an adult, they see me as one.

I would also talk to your doctor about your sex drive. Other people who’ve had 2-year-olds will tell you it’s a very sleepy time, and that perhaps it’s common to experiences changes in libido. Ask a medical professional about that and share what you learn with your husband. Let him know you’re doing the work.

– Meredith

Readers? Thoughts on this memory from high school?

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Featured Comment

Your identity is largely still wrapped up in who you were in high school. You moved rather quickly into the wife/mother role. Try doing something just for yourself to establish who you are outside of high school and outside of being the wife to a guy from high school. Maybe start by meeting some people who did not go to your high school.

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