He Changed Our Vacation Plans Without Telling Me

Tuesday | June 20, 2023

Love Letters Marriage

He Changed Our Vacation Plans Without Telling Me

Single and stressed? Coupled but it’s complicated? Have a question about your love life or lack thereof? Submit your own question here. You can also email [email protected].

I’ve been married for four years. Every year has been very rough, and let’s just say communication is at an absolute minimum. We only do things together if it involves direct family events. He told me about a week-long camping trip we would take in two months, so I took the time off work and then heard nothing about it after. Then, all of a sudden, the people we’re supposed to be camping with texted me an entire month early and said they’d be here … this Friday.

They’re important people to my husband. But they never once thought to tell his wife that the plans were moved up? I only work part-time, but I have a hard time asking for time off, and I also have other obligations I planned for the weekend because my schedule was supposedly free. What do I do? Should I just try to get time off and risk losing my job? Is it okay to just suggest them going on their own? How will his friends see me if I don’t go? And how will he react?

He won’t be hurt since he doesn’t like being around me anyways, but he might be angry and try to force me to quit my job. Please if you have any suggestions help me out.

– Plans

Force you to quit your job?

OK. Let’s take this step by step.

Let your husband know you were under the impression the trip was a month from now. Tell him you can’t go camping because your job requires more than a few days notice. If your husband tells you to drop everything to make this happen, consider a compromise. Maybe you can see these friends in your house before they leave for the trip.

Honestly, just get through this camping thing – because there are bigger issues in your letter.

Please think about who can be part of a support system that gets you out of this marriage. You need help (loved ones, therapy), a good place to stay in case of emergency, and some kind of lawyer, probably. There is no reason you should be tied to someone who doesn’t speak to you.

You describe a tense household, abuse by way of silence and intimidation. The word “force” was the last of many red flags in this letter. I know leaving a marriage is easier said than done, but it’s possible. For many, it starts with one friend or family member who can help you map out steps toward independence. If you’re concerned your safety, you can call TheHotline.org for suggestions.

You’re focused on the camping trip, which is a blip. Go, don’t go – but either way, keep your job. Then consider how to set up a better future. That’s the real answer here.

– Meredith

Readers? In the short-term, what about camping? For long-term plans, what happens after the trip? What were your first steps to getting out of a bad marriage?

Marriage

Featured Comment

u0022He doesn’t like being around you? You say this so matter of fact and act as if the camping trip date is the problem here. It isn’t. What drew you two together? What’s keeping you together?nnYou’re only four years in and don’t communicate, and your husband doesn’t seem to respect you. You should be asking different questions.u0022 – dangleparticiple

Share Thoughts