My wife, my child and I were living abroad some years ago when I fell in love with someone else. After we left the area, it became a full-fledged affair; my family and I had to be separated for family reasons. I was deeply in love. I mean it.

The truth was that my wife and I were a bit of a crisis. I would never have left her, particularly because of our child. But I deceived myself into believing, and I’m serious, that I could have two marriages. My job did allow for a lot of travel. I made plans to move part-time to this other country with my girlfriend. 

Instead, my girlfriend began getting increasingly distant. She had hopes. They were real. But she knew what I didn’t want to accept: it was love, but it wasn’t going to happen. She was the one who broke it off. I argued for a few days and then let it go.

I still love her. I think you can love two people in life at the same time, but the hard truth is, someone is going to be hurt. If I could do it over again, I’d have told my wife we needed counseling. She would have gone. We’ve since had another child, and it’s a good marriage.

But I’m aware that I dodged a real bullet. Someone else took the responsibility for ending what was wrong to begin with, and she never, ever talked about approaching my wife, the way it sometimes happens. I’ve never picked up the phone or written. I’ve been tempted. 

I’m reasonably—I’m being as honest as I can here—happy that the other person (the former girlfriend) is getting married after a two-year relationship with someone who lives close to her, someone she met about a year after she broke up with me.

In this case, I did love the other person and I always will. I just couldn’t believe how quickly my brain went back into criminal mode, and how quickly I was able to suspend my own morality.

The few friends I have told about it say I need to forgive myself, and I have, but I don’t think forgiveness works without responsibility. There’s nothing wrong with saying that one was wrong, and I was. I remind myself of that every day. It felt good to be loved by someone else while my life and marriage were in a bit of a crisis. But it never should have been more than that.

– Forgiveness