Don’t get married after 40
Have a great holiday weekend. For today, a long response to a recent letter about sickness and health. I have some thoughts about it too.
Please send your own questions about dating, breakups, marriage, friendship, etc. Submit your anonymous letter by using the form, or email [email protected].
Also, if you need a good podcast to try for a holiday drive, this episode about a woman who realizes she’s face blind and can’t recognize her husband … well, it’s fascinating.
Also also, win tickets to a show at the American Repertory Theater here.
Q.
This is in response to the letter about marrying “a project” late in life and wanting out. I would advise anyone past 40 to not get married, period. You may feel young and in love, but you are transitioning into a period of life where your health and the health of your prospective partner can go down quickly. Financially and emotionally, it can destroy the caregiver. Forget about romance.
My mother died of the flu and my father remarried in six months, in his 70s. Within a year, his wife got the news he had Alzheimer’s. The sad part is they had no bank of happy memories to pull from, no common history. I married in my late 40s and had about eight good years with my husband before he developed a terrible chronic and degenerative illness. I’m now 20 years in, and we’re still fighting this. In the beginning, I had the same feelings of “I gotta get out of this!” I am worried that his condition will eventually wipe out my life savings. I saw the ability to pursue my dreams evaporate. Certainly, the midlife fairy tale went “poof!”
All that said, I would feel terribly guilty to abandon my husband now. I know if the roles were switched, and he abandoned me, it would be the cruelest experience of my life. I can tell you that all of his friends have pulled back/disappeared, and I don’t think much of them now. Maybe the problem is what our society has become – no extended families living together, helping each other out. No acceptance and understanding of the stages of life. You can’t be 20 at 70. Yes, if you are healthy and full of dreams to be lived you can still do a lot. But getting married so late can have major consequences when a age-related condition shows it’s face.
– My take
A.
I hear you. But what are we to do? Avoid romance after 40?
I assume those eight years with your husband were fantastic. I want to believe you fell in love, developed a deep connection, and made a thoughtful decision to be there for each other no matter what.
If you had avoided the marriage part of things, would you have abandoned him when he got sick? Would your responsibilities and expenses be much different?
I think you’re saying that you shouldn’t become someone’s partner after 40. I can’t agree with that idea, nor do I think it’s possible to avoid if you meet a person you love.
I hope that people over a certain age can talk to their partners about expectations. If one of you gets sick, can the other expect financial help from extended family? Would it be OK to move to a different place? Is it acceptable to date others? What are everyone’s wishes?
You make an important point about the isolation of caregiving and how we fail each other. In my experience, caring for one person takes three tiers of support. The caregivers need caregivers, and we can all do better at helping with that.
My take on your take: I don’t want anyone to avoid love and commitment because they’re afraid of who might become a burden. But I do want people to connect to a greater community, and to yell for help when they need it. I do hope people can have conversations about what’s manageable.
I send my love to you, letter writer, and to every caregiver who feels left out, lonely, and like they might be missing every holiday weekend. To everyone around those people, get them a treat. Go to their house and organize their closet with them. Watch a great movie together. Tell them they’re seen.
Show them love.
– Meredith
Readers? Thoughts on this reader’s take? Is 40 an arbitrary stopping point for getting married? Is it realistic or fair?
What’s on your mind about sickness and health, love and money, exes, dating, love, loss, friendship, marriage, etc.? Submit your letter by using the anonymous form, or email [email protected].
Be civil. Be kind.
Read our full community guidelines.To comment, please create a screen name in your profile
To comment, please verify your email address