Can we stop giving gifts?

Monday | January 8, 2024

Love Letters Marriage

Can we stop giving gifts?

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I suffer terrible anxiety around giving gifts. It’s not that I don’t want to give people I care about something wonderful. I do. The problem is that I can never figure out what that thing is.

Really, any gift seems totally inadequate or over the top. Or I can’t find it, or I run out of time, or they’re out of it, or it’s too expensive. I hate the idea of spending money on something that’s the wrong thing when there are starving people in the world. I feel like we, as a culture, spend way too much money on obligatory “gifting” of things that nobody really needs, that often go into a closet or into the trash.

Most of my family lives far away, so sending gifts also involves mailing them, and I’m terrible at that. If I manage to buy something, it never gets there before Christmas. And then I feel terribly guilty when I receive a thoughtful gift that I don’t need or wouldn’t wear. Especially if I didn’t manage to get a gift for them.

My spouse is a wonderful enthusiastic gift giver and knows this about me, but I still always feel guilty. I don’t get it together to get good gifts, and I run out at the last minute and get a bunch of random stuff. So in sum, I wish there was a way to just opt out of the gifting system. I would so much rather enjoy quality time with the people I love and not spend so much time and money in shops just to not feel like a terrible friend/parent/spouse/child/sibling. Can we please just stop?

– Giving

We can’t stop. But you can do whatever you want.

You can change the way you give, and tell people what you’d like to receive.

I love the idea of donating to organizations in people’s names. You can ask for that, too. Pick a cause and send a link to family. Maybe a loved one will think, “Thank goodness I don’t have to buy another random sweater this year.”

If donations don’t feel right, you can contribute to education or a fun experience. When in doubt, I go bookstore. You can get gift certificates to indie bookstores, even in small amounts, for the people who live far away. All it takes is a quick search to see what’s in their area.

But this is Love Letters, so let’s focus on your spouse. Your partner knows you well, and has come to expect mediocre gifts. If this issue isn’t a secret, why not reset expectations? You can say that every year, you’ll make a contribution to a fund for nights out and vacations – activities to enjoy alone or with you. The money can go to dinner at a new restaurant. A day trip. Check with your spouse, of course, but gifts aren’t always things you can wrap.

Perhaps 2024 is the year to experiment with a new way of showing affection. Invest in things to do, as opposed to items you can forget or return.

It sounds like you’d be better at this if you could do it your way. It’s best if we all play to our strengths.

– Meredith

Readers? Do you and a partner require gifts? How do you manage it? What are the expectations?

Birthday disappointment Marriage

Featured Comment

“Don’t put that much pressure on yourself. The gift should should be something personal for the person. What are their “likes”? The beach person for example would always have a need for a new beach bag/beach towel, sun screen, etc…
It’s not that difficult. Start early. Figure out what that person does for fun and go with it.”

Jaylee42 Share Thoughts