Can my marriage survive seasonal affective disorder?

Monday | July 1, 2024

Love Letters Marriage

Can my marriage survive seasonal affective disorder?

I’ve been dating my husband for nearly half my life. He’s a good person; generous, funny, smart, and a good dad. We’ve been through a lot together – infertility, the unexpected death of his parent, the pandemic with two very young children, and, most recently, him going into recovery for alcoholism.

It’s all taken a toll on us, especially the years of alcohol abuse, but for the most part we’ve come out of these things stronger. He’s been in recovery for over a year and is really committed to it. However, throughout our relationship, I’ve noticed that the seasons really affect him.

In the spring and summer, he’s engaged and active with our family, proactively takes care of our house, seeks out time to have physical/emotional connection with me, and is generally a great partner. Come October he gets withdrawn, we stop talking, hardly touch for months, and he’s less willing to do his share of the parenting and house work. I have to nag him, and I end up doing everything myself. Basically, I think he has seasonal affective disorder.

He’s starting to agree with me and even saw a psychiatrist for a prescription this year, which is huge, but I don’t think it made very much of a difference. Right now things are great, but a few months ago I was so lonely and struggling to stay afloat, showing up for my kids as their only fully functional parent. It’s been the same cycle for years. I don’t want a divorce; I love him and I don’t think leaving him will make me less lonely, plus I’d have to share joint custody of our kids year-round, and I’d be so stressed not being with them for part of the week, especially knowing how he is in the winter. However, I want to try to figure out how to keep him from taking me down with him this winter.

It terrible having your physical and emotional relationship shut off suddenly when the days get short. I just get so lonely every year and I want to figure out how to insulate myself from that. Any suggestions? I have no free time when he’s in this state because I’m basically at work or taking care of my kids, so therapy has never worked out – nor has seeing anyone socially because I can’t leave the kids. Thank you!

– Seasons

First, I recommend checking in with the doctor who prescribed medication. If your husband didn’t feel big relief months ago, there might be more options.

Of course, medication won’t fix everything, I assume. Does your husband get therapy week-to-week? Maybe his psychiatrist can offer recommendations for more help.

This is a big one, but have you considered a move? I know it’d be expensive, cumbersome, confusing, and would add stress to your life. But maybe the two of you would have a better time together in a place that’s sunny year-round.

Of course, seasonal sadness happens in those places, too. I visited a friend in Los Angeles last month, and she admitted she was sad in June – because LA mornings are cloudy throughout the month (they call it June Gloom). This was wild to me because she’s from Boston, so she knows what real gloom looks like. But by 1 p.m., the clouds were gone, and she was smiling. Sometimes it’s worth making big moves if it means we get to live healthy, happy lives.

I hope you’ve called upon your support system as much as possible as you figure this out. Sometimes brightness can come in the form of an afternoon with friends in your house. Maybe it’s a visit to their house so you can get a change of scenery. Try to make sure you’re not isolated.

Also, remember that many mental health professionals offer remote therapy. If you want your own help, you could try to go to the basement/closet for an hour to see if that works. Summer might be the best time to start.

– Meredith

Readers? Do you have experience with seasonal affective disorder? How have you found help? Also, should this LW consider a big move? If not, what next?

What’s on your mind about your relationship life (or lack thereof)? Issues with dating, friends, summer romances, or … long marriages? Ask your own question. Use the anonymous form or email [email protected].

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Featured Comment

LW, sorry this does sound hard, and good for your husband (and you) for getting help with his alcoholism. Obviously only you can decide if you’ll be happier if you stay in this marriage or if you go. But as you pointed out, divorce doesn’t solve all of the problems and can add new ones (no longer seeing your kids all the time because of custody arrangements etc). Many marriages have problems, honestly when I read this part of your letter “In the spring and summer, he’s engaged and active with our family, proactively takes care of our house, seeks out time to have physical/emotional connection with me” I thought “wow, her husband is helpful around the house and actively engaged with her and the kids for a whole half of the year!” We get many letters where one partner feels neglected or like they are doing all of the work all of the time. Or a partner is cheating, etc etc. So if you love him and he’s a great person and father, as you say, then it seems worth finding a way to put in the work together to solve this. Get a babysitter while you two go to therapy, or have a date night during these hard times, when there is a will there is a way.

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