Can I help my friend with her marital problem?
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Q.
My best friend of decades is married to a man she loves very much. They have been married for over 20 years and are always working to maintain a strong and lasting marriage.
The husband in the relationship, while affectionate, is not sexual. My best friend regularly finds herself having to quell her sexual desires as her advances are regularly thwarted. The feelings of rejection and unsatisfied desire often leave her feeling as though something is wrong with her. It kills me to see her like this because she is deeply beautiful as a friend, as a human, as a mother, as a wife, and yes, as a sexual being.
I am single and bisexual, and healthy sex is something I embrace. My friend and I have had conversations about me fulfilling her sexual needs. While I am open to this, my motivation is her happiness and not one of desire or attraction. I also told her that before I consider this, she must have a conversation with her husband, essentially seeking his approval. He is also a close friend of mine and someone I have a lot of respect for.
While my loyalties lie with the wife, I have no desire to hurt him or their family. She is very hesitant to have the conversation, which I understand. Meanwhile, I have started to worry about what this may do to our friendship. Is there such a thing as being too there for a friend.
– Close
A.
“While I am open to this, my motivation is her happiness and not one of desire or attraction.”
If you’re not attracted to your friend, don’t hook up with her.
If she wants a sexual relationship outside of her marriage, wouldn’t it be better for her to find someone more … casual? Someone who can understand her boundaries without mixing in many years of emotional intimacy?
That might be easier for her husband, too. If he’s on board with this, he might be happier to open the relationship to new faces. You said it best – you’re worried about him, too. He’s your friend. Why mess with that dynamic, especially when you’re talking about this like it’s volunteer work, as opposed to something sexy and fun?
Maybe your friend wants to do this with you because it’s less scary, and allows her to skip the step of looking. Maybe she’s been attracted to you for a long time. (I have no idea.)
Regardless, you stepping in doesn’t sound like the right fix. It’s great that you love her, but it’s not your problem to solve.
– Meredith
Readers? Are there reasons to do this? How might it work – and for how long?
What’s on your mind about friendship, breakups, love, exes, dating, love, loss, crushes, marriage, etc.? Submit your letter by using the anonymous form, or email [email protected].
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