An update about a work crush
Note: This update came into our inbox, but it didn’t link to the original letter, and there was no email address attached.
The letter writer says their question was from last year, but I have scoured our archives, and I think it’s actually this letter.
I responded with that letter in mind.
You can send your own question – or update. We love updates. Use the form – or email [email protected]. Please tell us what letter you’re updating.
Q.
Hello! This is an update on a letter from last year – the letter writer with a longstanding crush on a coworker (and everyone is married). Some of the comments were helpful. It is probably, in fact, about boredom.
Some comments were off-base and nasty.
No significant changes, although there was an overnight company retreat that I was anxious about and discussed with a therapist. She told me I was clearly capable of managing myself and avoiding any physical contact.
When I worried about interacting in a “weird” way, she suggested picking another coworker I like as a person – but don’t find attractive – and assuming that any kind of interaction I have with that coworker is appropriate and something that’s not “dangerous” to do with the attractive one.
I’m adding that update because this idea has been surprisingly useful for me.
– Update
A.
Thank you for sharing this update. I believe I found your original letter, but if I’m wrong, please let us know.
I like your therapist’s advice – that your interactions with a truly platonic work friend can guide how you treat your crush. Because you don’t want to go to the another extreme, where you’re so worried about being too nice that you become rude. That would be weird.
I do want to resurface a concern about the intensity of this crush. Again, assuming this letter is a match, how much is this coworker still on your mind? How intrusive are these thoughts, more than a year later?
I hope you’re talking to this therapist about how to move past the ritual of of this crush. If that hasn’t been part of your work in therapy, maybe you can seek a different kind of help.
There are many kinds of therapy. Some are more useful than others, depending on your needs.
I am sorry some of our comments were mean. I am thrilled that many were helpful.
Interesting that the “boredom” observations hit home. On that note, the real update I want is about your marriage. The state of that union seems to be at the heart of all of this, still.
– Meredith
Readers? Thoughts on this still being a problem? How do you treat a crush like anyone else?
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