A question about brothers … and a sister-in-law
Send your own question about family, in-laws, breakups, falling in love, dating, work crushes, marriage, etc. Use the anonymous form, or email [email protected]. When you ask a question, it helps others.
Q.
I have two brothers, and my role in our family has always been peacekeeper. Brother 1 bullied Brother 2 when we were growing up, but we were all close by the time we were in 20s.
Older now, Brother 1’s penchant for teasing still feels mean to Brother 2, eroding the progress we previously made. Brother 2 wants less to do with our brother than ever.
Brother 2’s wife joined our family most recently and she openly dislikes Brother 1. Part of me empathizes with Brother 2’s wife’s defensive stance for her partner, but the longer I’ve known her, the more I see a lack of kindness in her own behavior toward Brother 2. She is bossy and often speaks in a way that she might think of as teasing, but I feel is increasingly hostile and belittling of Brother 2.
I want Brother 2 to be happy, and maybe he is, but I also want peace between my brothers and their families. I know meddling is not the right thing to do, and I can’t stop thinking of calling Brother 2’s wife out for the pot calling the kettle black, and hoping some self-awareness on her part could help her open her mind to Brother 1 and hopefully diffuse tension between my brothers. I’m afraid if I say something, nothing will change and I’ll damage my relationship with Brother 2 instead. What should I do?
– Still In The Middle
A.
Stop trying to fix this. It’s not on you to figure out how to get everyone to like each other.
You can have independent relationships with these brothers, seeing them one at a time. I know you want one big happy family gathering, but sometimes that’s not possible.
Or maybe it is possible, but only if someone is screaming on the inside. You don’t want everyone to pretend to be happy, just so you can comfortable.
If you’re going to meddle – or, better yet, have a meaningful conversation – I’d tell Brother 1 to stop being mean. It sounds like he’s the one who’s instigating the issues. Would you accept that treatment, if you were his target? I assume not. You can tell him that his “sense of humor” is ruining connections. You can also call him out in the moment and say, “That joke is an example of something that is only funny to you.”
Don’t get involved in Brother 2’s marriage. I have to wonder whether Brother 2 fell for his wife because the dynamics felt familiar – that he’s used to loving someone whose teasing can be unkind. I also wonder if Brother 2’s wife hates Brother 1 because she’s thinking, “If anyone bullies my husband, it’s going to be me.” But that’s a letter for another day – and Brother 2’s to write.
Your job is to allow people to take the space they need, hold the appropriate brother accountable, and accept that you won’t be able to make everything look perfect.
You can also ask Brother 2 how he’s doing. It’s good to check in.
– Meredith
Readers? What do you do when you see a sibling in a relationship that seems unhealthy? Would you confront Brother 2’s wife about the treatment of Brother 2?
Send your own question about family, in-laws, breakups, falling in love, dating, work crushes, marriage, etc. Use the anonymous form, or email [email protected]. When you ask a question, it helps others.
Be civil. Be kind.
Read our full community guidelines.To comment, please create a screen name in your profile
To comment, please verify your email address