Only One Of Us Is In The Wedding Party

Wednesday | December 21, 2016

Love Letters Marriage

Only One Of Us Is In The Wedding Party

Dear Meredith,

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years and living together for a little over one year. We are very happy together and plan to get married in the near future. A couple we are close to has recently become engaged. This couple had discussed including both me and my boyfriend in the wedding party many times, and we were very excited about this. I even planned a party for them.

It turns out that I was cut from the bridal party, and the bride had asked the other women a month before I found out. I did meet with the bride to discuss this (at her request), but she was condescending and rude about her decision. We have not seen or spoken to the couple since. This couple now wants my boyfriend to be the best man in their wedding. I don’t want to interfere with his friendship with the groom, but I am having trouble accepting him playing a major role in their wedding after the way I was treated. My boyfriend wants to be in the wedding to “avoid conflict.”

This wedding dominates many conversations within our close friend group (other couples WERE included in the wedding party) and is almost impossible to avoid. Many people have said that I need to take the high road and just act happy for the couple, but it is eating away at me and causing tension in my relationship with my boyfriend. I view him standing up there with the bride, groom, and our other friends as a betrayal to me after the way I was treated. I completely understand that it is their special day and should not be about me. I know that choosing wedding parties can be tough. However, being a bride is not an excuse to mistreat your close friends. I also question how they’d expect my boyfriend to happily accept this position, as he is also very angry with the bride’s actions. To what length should my boyfriend go to show that he supports me? How do I accept this situation and get through the next year of nonstop wedding talk?

– Left Out

“I view him standing up there with the bride, groom, and our other friends as a betrayal to me …”

Well, that’s not what this is about. He explained that he’s participating in the wedding to support his friend and to avoid conflict. He’s made it clear that he’s just going with the flow.

Every time you feel hurt or excluded, remember that this is not about his loyalty to you. You have issues with the bride, and that’s it. I can’t tell you why this couple asked him to be the best man, but they did. Sometimes weddings get weird. It’s sort of part of the tradition.

Your boyfriend can show his support for you by being nice and acknowledging the discomfort. You can show your support for him by letting it go. When there’s talk about the wedding, focus on his experience, as opposed to yours or the bride’s. Make it clear that you and your boyfriend are a team, no matter what.

If you find yourself getting angry, remember that that it’ll be time for your wedding soon enough. When it’s your turn, you can be as thoughtful and welcoming as you want to be. Wait it out and take the high road.

– Meredith

Readers? How can she protect her relationship during this wedding?

Marriage

Featured Comment

I’ve been to many weddings where one part of a couple is in the wedding party and the other isn’t. It happens. The bride’s treatment of you sounds pretty despicable according to your description. If you can keep that in check, go to the wedding and exploit the open bar to drive up their costs. Also, let your BF pay for the wedding gift.

HarrisBlackwoodStone Share Thoughts