Love Letters Updates

A letter writer update, some extra comments, etc.

By Meredith Goldstein

4 minutes to read

Today we’ll do an update and some random comments and questions.

I’ve found that people have been emailing their comments (introverted commenters) – especially if they think they have too much to say. 

But first… a practical question from a commenter with a question for another commenter (Legally Liz, I throw this to you). I think this came in after that dance letter:

Hi Meredith and fellow readers,

Legally Liz, please tell me the name of the place where your almost 70-year-old friend goes to dance! Anyone else have tips? I’m 63 and miss dancing outside of my kitchen.

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Here are some emails from people who had a lot to say about the woman who asked why we look for romantic love. [Letter here.] I received many emails about this letter. Most were very romantic. Some were scientific. I picked two. The first:

In response to the woman who asked why people get married what I have to say is:

If I wouldn’t have married my late wife, I wouldn’t have been lucky enough to go on a honeymoon.

That lasted 30 years.

She’s been gone for over eight years now.

We we regarded ourselves as the cutest couple in the world, and so we figured we would last forever. Or at least until we were well over 100.

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But I secretly thought that she, as she was always generally healthier than me, would outlive me.

But this didn’t stop me from asking her, “What would I ever do without you?”

And she would always so, “Oh, you’d just find someone else”.

I’ve got news for her.

It’s not so easy.

I know, it’s a rough one. Here’s the second:

re: why do people get married?

The responses to the question hit on most of the points I had when I read the it. I think there are a couple of answers that weren’t covered, though.

1. With animals, there is an instinctive need to couple, and we forget that we are animals. Some wild animals mate for life, which was the norm with people until recently.

2. Many religions required marriage before sex (and some still do), and marriages were arranged by parents for their children. Then this thing about loving someone before marriage instead of arranged marriages became the norm.

3. It was a legal requirement and a church requirement to get married before having children Now, many people who want children, but don’t want to settle down with just one spouse, choose someone they like to be their partner and raise children, with no legal binding to that person. That way they can break up without all the problems associated with divorce, or decide later that they want to get married, and the children  have a two parent family either way.  Some just decide to skip that and become single parents.  Other people are happy just being single.

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4. Some of us believe in a lifelong commitment and love. Both my husband’s and my parents were married for over 50 years. After 54 years of marriage, my spouse just recently died. I miss him terribly, and I think the idea of love and a lifelong commitment is just part of my makeup as a human.

If geese can choose one mate for life, why shouldn’t we? – Singleagain

This was a response to the letter about the person who was ready to leave their husband.

Ready to Go said she is wanting to divorce her husband and you basically said that that makes sense for her to leave him. But you didn’t mention the fact that likely she will have to pay alimony to him and one of her big complaints was that he wasn’t helping financially in the marriage. So if she leaves him she may still be stuck supporting him, but at least she won’t have to watch him spend her money.

As promised, we have an update. It’s from the person dating a man who wasn’t giving his kid a bedtime. She added some details that were too specific and maybe identifiable, hence the bracket.

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I just wanted to send a follow up letter. I am the woman who had some issues with how a child was being raised by a man I was seeing.

Despite some of your readers thinking I was a nosy busybody, my questions came from a place of concern. This child sleeps in three different beds a week in three different houses, and he is always in trouble at his school [for specific concerning reasons].

In regards to the sleeping situation, I’m sure your readers are right – he’s a young man (30s) trying his best. I don’t have an issue with him sleeping in bed with his kid, I have an issue that he expects us to have sex in his son’s bed, on top of his kids clothing and toys, and he expected the three of us to sleep together in bed (I wouldn’t sleep over). I am sure this is something his son’s mom wouldn’t be OK with. If your readers are OK with all of that, maybe they’re just better people than me, but I couldn’t get over any of that. I also don’t think that a woman like myself, basically a stranger to the kid, should be sharing a bed with this child. 

I broke it off with him. I never asked him to change a thing or told him how I felt, so I guess no harm no foul. Thank you to you and your readers for giving me the clarity I needed to leave. As your readers said, it’s best to leave them alone and get out of their lives. Now that I am gone, I honestly miss the kid more than the father. 

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Well then.

Thanks for commenting and writing in, of course. See you next week.

Ask your own questions about dating, singleness, being on apps, breakups, college romances, friendships, divorce … everything. Send a letter to [email protected] or use the anonymous form.

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