I’m the “therapist friend” who always listens
We’re giving away pairs of tickets to a June 10th Love Letters night at the American Repertory Theater. “Two Strangers (Carry a Cake Across New York) is a perfect show for us – and a perfect date for you and a friend. Enter to win.
Q.
I’ve been reflecting on my friendships lately and how I choose to spend my time, and I’m starting to feel like I’m always the “therapist friend.” I’m the one who remembers birthdays, checks in during breakups, and shows up with snacks and tissues. I LOVE being this kind of friend, but I’m realizing I rarely get the same kind of support in return. I’m starting to resent the imbalance, but I also don’t want to throw away years-long friendships. Do I need to say something? If so, how do I do it without making it sound like I’m keeping score? Or am I just growing out of these friendships — and if that’s the case, how do you even begin to let go of friends who haven’t technically done anything wrong?
– Therapist Friend
A.
You have a bunch of options. I’ll list a few and you can think about what sounds right.
- 1. Do less. Take birthdays our of your calendar, and accept that you can’t always be the first phone call. Start being more honest about when you’re too tired to show up with tissues. It might make people rely on you less, but maybe that’s OK. (I will note that you said you “LOVE” doing things for people in your life. That’s why this option might not work for you.)
2. Do better at asking for help and attention when you need it. You can say, “Hey, I’m miserable right now. Can someone come over?” Or, “I want to go big for this year’s birthday. Somebody help me plan dinner.” You’ve spoiled your friends with a lot of logistics, I think. If you want them to do more, ask. They might say no – for reasons mentioned in Point 1. Everyone’s trying to find their own boundaries. If someone’s not around, move on to the next option.
3. Venture out of the group. The cool thing about finding a new friend or two is that you probably won’t be their first phone call. If everyone in your life is a best friend, that’s a lot of work!
4. Make intergenerational connections. It’s lovely to be close to people your age, of course, but having older and younger friends can help space out life moments and put them in perspective. My older and younger friends (by five to 20 years in either direction) are often better at listening and understanding than people my age who are pulled in 15 directions. Sometimes my peers and I see too much of ourselves in each other’s decisions. Expanding the age range in your community can make life seem bigger and more manageable.
5. Accept that you’re the thoughtful friend and can be a bit of a martyr about it. Balance your friendship workload with solo vacations and experiences where you have no choice but to prioritize yourself.
You’ll notice I didn’t put “drop these friends” on the list. I don’t know why you would; they seem like nice people who appreciate your attention. Sometimes we have to clean the slate with relationships, but this question seems more about you figuring out how to give love in a way that doesn’t exhaust you. You can figure that out without saying goodbye.
– Meredith
Readers? Have you ever let go of friends because of who you became to them? How does one get out of the friendship rut?
What’s on your mind about sickness and health, love and money, exes, dating, love, loss, friendship, marriage, etc.? Submit your letter by using the anonymous form, or email [email protected].
Be civil. Be kind.
Read our full community guidelines.To comment, please create a screen name in your profile
To comment, please verify your email address