My sister chose to move with her partner

Tuesday | May 28, 2024

Love Letters Family 🖤

My sister chose to move with her partner

Hi Meredith,

This isn’t really a love letter in the traditional sense. Lately I have been doing a bit of soul searching because my sister did couples matching for residency and ended up in a city far away from me after essentially being a shoo-in at the hospital where I live. My close friends know, but she doesn’t really understand, the grief I’ve personally had to deal with after falsely getting my hopes up that we would live in the same city after nearly a decade apart.

I’ve felt this invisible wedge between us because I can’t talk to her about it since I know she’s a bit upset too, and I’m trying to keep things positive that she will end up really liking this city and this residency program. Sometimes I think about asking her if I should move too, but I don’t know if packing my life up and moving to her city is insanely smothering, and if I can see myself happy there regardless of her because I know she will be busy.

The whole situation has made me question what I want in life and where home is for me. Also coming to terms that my sister “chose” a relationship over living near me, and realizing that maybe that is the normal thing most people do, and my perception and grief is abnormal. I was listening to your podcast this week and in hearing your voice, it clicked in my head that you maybe the only one who understands this sort of bond with a sister.

– Far

I don’t think it’s weird or wrong for you to center life around a sibling. But I also think it’s great if you can let her do her thing and be close to her – spiritually – no matter where she lives.

I also think it would help to understand that not doing a couples match would have caused her more stress than necessary. Think of it this way: her romantic relationship requires in-person maintenance. The two of you have the kind of bond that transcends geography.

A thing that’s helped when I’m far from family: visiting as frequently as possible and having a great time. You don’t have to move and set up a whole new life to be closer to your sister, but go for four-day weekends, get a rental for a night so it’s just the two of you (if that’s affordable), and explore. Meet her friends. Support her like you would a best friend who got a cool new job in another place.

Know that she might be starting her residency in one place with the hope of landing, eventually, wherever you are. This is the still the launch of her career, right?

In my own experience with family and close friends (and again, this is just me), when I’ve made room for people to grow, change, be elsewhere, it’s strengthened the relationship. I have a sibling who moved thousands of miles away, and because she’s physically healthier where she is now (in a warmer climate), she’s happier.

I’m OK with it. It’s better that she gets what she needs far from home, as opposed to feeling trapped and miserable because she’s bound to one freezing spot.

Also, by showing her that we can be close no matter where she is, she no longer feels weird or abandoned when I do my own thing. To be honest, that’s made us closer than ever.

You can tell your sister you’re excited for her. You can also admit you hope that one day, the two of you get to live in the same zip code.

Also, for your own growth, think about whether you like where you live. Does it feel like home … or is it a lonely place? You could always move to have your own new experience.

– Meredith

Readers? How do you deal when person you love moves far away for a partner? How do you know when you’re home? Is it about geography, family, a feeling you get by being there?

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Featured Comment

“LW, are you a youngest sibling? I am, and remember that feeling of being ‘abandoned’ as one sister went to college and then moved to another city, and then another sister left the nest. We were close and it’s hard to feel like you’re being ‘left behind’ somehow… but that’s life. Your sister chose the path that worked for her, and getting a residency is no small thing. Maybe this is actually a positive thing in that it will push you to meet new people, find new interests etc. outside of your family. What kind of life do you want for yourself?

With both parents gone, I’ve often missed one sister in particular, and wished we lived closer (in the same country would be a start). So, I get it. But I’m concerned that you view this as your sister ‘choosing’ a relationship over you, and why you’re viewing this as a zero-sum game. This isn’t healthy.”

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