I want to downsize

Monday | June 24, 2024

Love Letters Family 🖤

I want to downsize

Meredith,

Longtime reader, occasional commenter when I feel I have sage advice. I just found and am enjoying your podcast, although I am only in Season 4, the pandemic year.

My question is… “When is it about you?” Yes, I am ready for all the comments bashing me for this question, but I am struggling with this one.

First some necessary background: I am in my mid-50s and have been lucky enough to find my soulmate the second time around. We have blended are families as best we can for the last five-plus years. I would say our children, all in college, co-exist as opposed to being truly blended. We are the primary nurturers and caregivers for our children. Our exes are in the picture.

My wife and I have always had visions of our future, a small condo near the ocean marked by the occasional visit of a child, their significant others, and grandkids. Our current six-bedroom home is a lot to clean and maintain. With our children in college two-thirds of the year, I feel the time is now to pursue this vision so we can start to enjoy this existence while we are still young enough to do it. We waited a long time to find each other, and I do not want to waste a moment longer for our dream. When we talk to our children, they are not ready to give up these tidings. A smaller place would mean they would have to split time between parents as well as share rooms.

My wife does not feel as I do. She feels we should forgo our vision for another five to six years to ensure that the children have graduated from college and have settled into their own lives. Five to six years seems arbitrary to me.

Who is to say they have found jobs, never mind careers, by the time they’re 25? I am concerned that they may never be ready to leave the nest because we have layered it with the finest linens and stocked the fridge with a myriad of their favorite delectables.

Am I wrong to want our future now?

– Now or for(n)ever?

Middle-aged me, today, says: Carpe diem! Sell the house now! Who knows how long we have in this life? You should be at the ocean tomorrow. Tell your spouse to understand this!

Twenty-year-old me, home from college in the late 1990s, says: You and that house are what grounds your kids! Knowing they can come home to see their friends – and shop at their childhood mall – makes them feel safe! Please do not force them give this up just yet! Wait until they’re adults – however they define that stage of life!

Advice columnist me – the part that counts here – says: Make a pact with your partner to sell the place the exact year the youngest is scheduled to graduate from college. If your kids need help after that, they’ll figure it out – or you’ll assist (with money from the house sale).

Interest rates are bad anyway, right? Start browsing for beaches now, and look more seriously at property in a year. Have a schedule.

Also, meet with a financial planner. Agree (if you can) that plans can shift if an expert tells the two of you that it’s the perfect time to buy, sell, or wait.

Maybe you’ll wind up downsizing six months before the youngest graduates. Try to be open to a little bit of wiggle room on both sides of the deadline.

It sounds like you’ll feel better if there’s a definite timeline, as opposed to a question mark. Get this proposed future to a place where it’s a promise – with a date attached.

– Meredith

Readers? How do you find middle ground with a partner about how and when to move/change plans/have kids fend for themselves/etc.

Send me a letter. Sharing your questions/problems helps other people feel less alone with theirs. If you’re wondering about relationships (dating, divorce, breakups, singleness, and friendships), use the anonymous form or email [email protected].

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Featured Comment

“So it sounds to me like your wife might have been a homemaker and she is very connected to her children, and you are wanting her to focus more on you and move on from the kids. If her job was raising the kids, that is always going to be very important to her (more so than if she worked outside the home since that was her entire role). It’s true that the kids are growing up and will probably require less and less time and attention. But you’re going to have to realize that the kids are central to her identity and maybe the beach house needs to have a few more bedrooms to accommodate her kids if they come home to roost for a time. It’s part of the stepfamily package, and it can be messy. Good luck!”

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