I am a man in my early 50s who got legally divorced last year. I use the qualifier “legally” because both my ex and myself are Catholic and consider ourselves religiously married for life. She still calls me her husband and introduces me a such. Anyone who observed us from the outside would assume we are still married. I stay with her several nights a week, we vacation together as a family, and we spend all the holidays together.  

I have always been a devoted husband; I never was abusive toward her, I shared housework, and my earnings made up about 90 percent of our income over the years of our legal union. On moral grounds I refused to participate in divorce proceedings and thus really got a bad division of assets.   

Soon after the divorce finalized, I found out about – and she subsequently admitted to – a brief affair 10 years prior. Here is the issue: she has not finished the paperwork for the final payment of the large sum of my retirement money that I owe her from the divorce. If she ever took me back to court it would be quite easy for her to get serious penalties on the amount owed. She vaguely understands that this final gouging will be the last straw for me. I don’t think she comprehends that I can’t trust her to never try to collect. 

If she waits another year the penalty will be getting close to $100,000. I just can’t afford that big a hit after the bad division of assets. I think she is very ashamed of herself and does not know what to do. Are there any practical ideas of how we can resolve this? She seems really stuck in the limbo of being half-divorced.

– Penalty