Should I Tell His Family Why We Split Up?

Wednesday | July 5, 2023

Love Letters Divorce

Should I Tell His Family Why We Split Up?

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In short, my husband of 10 years was having a long-term affair with a woman he met in college. I told his girlfriend he was married. Thank you, Facebook.

She broke it off. He had a mental breakdown. He has never admitted to me that he had an affair. He is emotionally abusive and controlling. He told me in a fight, “I basically own you.” We are still in the process of divorcing. We have two children.

He was also cheating when I was pregnant, or soon after our first child was born. He also had one night stands.

Two years have passed since I learned the truth. His family doesn’t speak to me. He hasn’t paid child support yet. He didn’t speak to the children for over six months when we were first separated.

I have been keeping his secret all this time from his family. The question is: do I tell his family what really happened? At the start of this, I told his father, “We are no longer together and I’m worried about him.” Basically, I was worried my husband might hurt himself. At that point, he hadn’t told his family we broke up. Should they know the truth?

– The Truth

Ask yourself what you gain from telling his family what happened. Are you hoping they’ll help you with the child support issue? Because I think a lawyer might be a better advocate.

If you want to tell them because you assume they’ll be more kind to you, shift the focus to your kids. Are those ex-in-laws good to your children now? Is that enough?

If telling them is about fairness and making sure they have the full story, I don’t know if it’s worth it. If anything, it might create a new bump on your path to stability. I don’t think them knowing would help you get over the loss or understand the truth. If you need to talk about the marriage (and why wouldn’t you?), seek out therapy. Find another audience, one that’s trained for this.

To be honest, it’s difficult to give advice when I don’t get a sense of his family. Maybe there’s one person on his side who was always great to you, before the breakup. Maybe you miss them. Maybe they’ve asked you what happened and you’ve stayed silent. That might change things.

If they haven’t asked, that says a lot about what they want to know.

There are big questions on the horizon about child support and co-parenting. Focus your energy on lining up the right people – those who can help, for sure.

– Meredith

Readers? What would be some reasons to tell the ex’s family?

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