My mom wants me to get divorced

Wednesday | February 21, 2024

Love Letters Divorce

My mom wants me to get divorced

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I have a messy family situation and I’d like to hear some feedback. My mother has been living abroad but is getting older and wants to move back to the US. She would like to live near me.

My husband and I have three kids who are in their teens and early 20s. My mom hates my husband and would like me to divorce him. She doesn’t have a great relationship with the kids because she didn’t see them much when they were growing up, due to living overseas.

Husband and I get along OK but I’m not sure if we’ll stay together once all of the kids are in college. We’re not a great match, but I’ve really made it a priority to keep the family together because I was a stepchild growing up and it was a very negative experience.

We’re doing fine right now – our relationship improved as the kids got older. I don’t know where we’ll end up in a few years, but I want to give it time to see how things evolve. However, Mom is trying to agitate and figure out what my long-term plans are, and the truth is that I don’t know for certain.

My husband has actually been fairly supportive of her moving closer, but I know that for me it will be very stressful because she will be hating him quietly (but telling me about it) and he will aggravate her by saying obnoxious things that set her off.

Honestly, I feel like I’ve put a lot of my life on hold by raising kids for the last 20 years, and I don’t want to babysit this stupid feud now. But my mom will not let it go, and my husband will never stop annoying her. I would like for her to have a good experience moving here, but unless they are mostly kept completely separate, I foresee this as being extremely stressful for me and I’d like to completely avoid the situation. But I don’t want to tell my mom not to come to the area as she’s getting older. Thoughts on navigating the mess? Thanks!

– Messy

It sounds like you have to set some boundaries with everyone. Then you have to stick to them. Not easy, but possible.

1. You can tell your mother that you’re figuring out what you want next, and that you’d like her to refrain from talking to you about your marriage unless you ask for help. This part is really important. If she brings it up anyway, remind her that you asked her for this. See if she can learn to respect your wishes because this will be the first of many “wait until I ask” moments. Even if you get divorced, she might have other steps she wants you to take. Whether you’re dating, not dating, or changing your parenting priorities, she’ll have thoughts about what’s best. She’ll have to learn to support you without dictating your path. Tell her you want to return the favor.

2. Tell your husband not to start fights with your mother. If he’s overwhelmed, he can leave the room.

3. On that note, you can all avoid group time. See your mom on your own. Bring the kids. There is no reason everyone has to gather in the same room for many hours in a row. Frankly, even when everyone in an extended family likes each other, it’s nice to have one-on-one time so people can really bond. There is nothing wrong with leaving people out – especially if they want to be left out! Also, do stuff. Less sitting around, more going to a museum or something – so there’s something to talk about.

4. Please know that it will take a while to get this right. Adjusting to a new area is difficult, so expect your mom to be stressed out. Change can be uncomfortable, so expect to feel weird – and for the kids to have questions.

5. Know that it’s difficult to anticipate the good stuff – and there might be plenty of joy. You’ll have your mom close, and that might be very nice! You’re finally at a point where you can prioritize your own happiness and try something new (or work on something old). This could be a great new status quo.

6. Consider couples counseling. It might help for you and your husband to talk to a professional as you figure it all out.

– Meredith

Readers? Have you had a parent move to town? How did it affect your marriage?

Family 🖤 Marriage Divorce

Featured Comment

“Your mom sounds overbearing. It’s nice that she wants to move closer to you, but she has no right to opine on your relationship. Your husband sounds like a bratty child. No doubt he needs to grow up and act appropriately in front of his kids’ grandmother and his wife. But you – you can maintain respectful boundaries with them both until you figure out what you want in your relationship. IMO, this starts with your Mom – put her in her place and start as you mean to go on once she gets here and rebuilds her life. Don’t let her orbit your family 24/7. As for hubs, sure, marriage counseling could help if you both are open to it. At the very least you can learn respectful communication tools that would help both situations in the long run. Good luck, LW.”

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