A.

Is your best-friend-of-many-years married? I ask because divorcing people have told me they feel contagious. They explain that married people can have a difficult time hearing how fragile a union can be. They might back away from their divorcing friend because it all feels a little too close to home.

I’ve had loved ones experience that. It’s awful.

I usually tell these divorcing people to find a more appropriate pack of supporters. Maybe the married friends come back later, when it feels safe – if you’re open to their return.

Of course, I can’t be sure what happened with your friends. Maybe your guy friend is the meme. Maybe one of the complicated things about getting divorced in your late 20s/early 30s is that your peers might have no idea what you’re dealing with. Perhaps they’re focused on their career, or a possible move, or first dates.

Or maybe when you were married, you weren’t as available as you thought you were. I’m not accusing you of anything, I swear! But these friends were probably around for a lot of your ups and downs. It’s possible they needed a break from your storyline and will show up again.

Another idea? They could be going through their own stuff, but it’s not as obvious. You might not be the right audience for whatever’s on their mind.

I do wish everyone could talk about it – with empathy and acceptance. Because if the guy friend said, “Hey, I’m in the part of a new relationship where we are deeply infatuated with each other, and that has made me unreliable these days,” you’d probably forgive. If the other friend said, “Hey, I need a little break and here’s why,” you might feel better with clarity.

You could ask them to explain, but you’d have to be ready for the answer. 

No matter what, you don’t have to be “glad” about any of it. They’re not enemies to escape. You didn’t choose the wrong companions. You’re just moving in a new direction.

The good news? A lot of people are looking for friends right now. Because of pandemic stuff, people in their early 30s didn’t have the easiest time building community in their 20s. You might try to reach out to some acquaintances who seem cool. Figure out who’s fun and see if they want company.

That’s another thing – and I’m working on this in my own life, so pardon me if I’m projecting. Checking in is great, but having fun is good, too. Not long ago, I realized I was doing more “checking in” on possible miseries than talking about the fun stuff that makes it all worthwhile. 

If you can have a good time, even for a night, dive in.

– Meredith