Meredith,

I am 71 years old, three years out out of a divorce, still in recovery. The two of us are not moving on, or are we?

I’ve known my ex-wife for more than 50 years. We dated in our youth, again in our college, and then married other people in our 20s. Both of us had 20-year marriages, children, dogs, houses, etc. 

Still, through out that time, mutual friends would disclose tidbits of info. “He/She was asking about you …” type of stuff.

Maybe because of a mid-life crisis or some warped romantic fantasy, I found her online when that became possible, and I sent her a birthday card. Yes, I remembered her birthday even after 30 years. 

So this session began, email and texting (only 42 characters back then). She lived in another state, so no secret rendezvous – until one day she was coming to visit relatives, so we made plans. We were both ecstatic at the prospect, and then we met. Then kissed. Her marriage was on the rocks and she had filed for divorce. Mine? Well, it was complacent, routine, just dragging, and it stood no chance with the prospect of me reuniting with my first love. 

We both viewed this as meant to be. We married. Of 15 years, the last two or three were bad. The family dynamics were complicated with adult children moving back in and staying in our home, still expecting their mother to cater to them. My wife and I fought about the children and their responsibilities and contributions to our home. These fights ruined the relationship, and she and her family became cruel. They created a narrative that was hurtful and suggested I was a villain – taking legal action against me, trying to change my reputation in my community. The divorce itself was financial disaster.

But then, one month after things were final, it started again – texting and emailing. Then there were invitations to get together. Now? We don’t have any conversations about the big conflicts. When I address what we might be doing, she says we don’t have to tell anyone – because we’re not cheating.

I’m not a friends-with-benefits kind of person. But with her I’m like a moth to a flame, even now. I don’t see any solution. Because of the awful things she told her community about me, this has to remain clandestine. Is this a control issue on her behalf? Is this some kind of recognition of her irrationality during our divorce?

I have tried online dating, but no success. Just as well – because if I met someone new, how would I explain 50 years of yearning?

– Bewitched Bothered and Bewildered