‘I Am Just Not Happy Being Married’
Another giveaway today. Today it’s tickets to the Boston Globe Travel Show. You don’t have to come when I’m speaking (3:30 on Saturday). But if you do, say hi.
From what I remember, there are fun little things to do there and lots of kid stuff – and it looks like there’s some sort of beer tasting. If you want free tickets, enter here.
Q.I have been married for two years and together with my wife for more than six. Over the past year or so, I have felt that our relationship has devolved into what I feel is the friendzone. I have no real feelings of romance, but I do love her as a person. I feel I’m trying to have my cake and eat it too, because I don’t want to lose her from my life, but I am just not happy being married to her.
We have talked about our feelings. She tells me that romance aside, I fulfill her needs in every other way. I feel awful that I am hurting her by not returning her love. We have built a comfortable life together, and as a student, I would not be able to make it on my own without her support (this was an agreement of ours based on my supporting her in a similar way while she was in graduate school).
I know I have a responsibility to myself to make sure I am living the life I want to live. And even though I believe I am a decent enough guy, I feel like the most vile person on Earth because I’m hurting my wife so much with my desire to move on from our relationship. We have been pretending nothing is wrong, or going through the motions of trying to make things work for weeks. There has been no rekindling; those feelings won’t come back. I want her as my best platonic friend, yet I know that this is incredibly unlikely.
I wish we could have an amicable split and that I could continue to live in our two-bedroom apartment while I finish college. I don’t want to break her heart; it just hurts so much that I need to do so in order to maximize the enjoyment of my life. I guess I’m asking for advice on what I should do. I’m at a loss. Thank you.
– Cake wanter and eater
A.I’ll tell you what you shouldn’t do. You shouldn’t pretend you’ve committed to this marriage if you know you’ll want to leave as soon as you’re finished with school. You shouldn’t maintain the status quo just so you can enjoy the two-bedroom (and your wife as a best friend) if you know it won’t be enough when your needs change.
If you’re out, be out. Start the terrible process of moving on.
Know that you will have to be uncomfortable. This decision might mean moving in with random roommates so you can afford two places. It will also require a big change in your support system. Your wife will have to put herself first, which means she won’t be orbiting you. Please do not expect her to be your platonic best anything.
You say that leaving feels like the selfish decision, but it could be what’s best for both of you. This relationship prevents your wife from finding someone who could be in love with her. It certainly traps her in a routine of worrying that you might change your mind and leave. That kind of partnership – and pressure – is bad for everyone.
– Meredith
Readers? Is there any way to make this work?
Be civil. Be kind.
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