Is this marriage over?

Tuesday | February 27, 2024

Love Letters Divorce

Is this marriage over?

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My wife and I have been together for 30-plus years and married for 10 years. We’ve had our ups and downs.

We have no children, and I always wanted at least one child. We didn’t have any, and eventually we fell out of love with each other. Now we haven’t had sex in two years.

Every time I bring this up to her, she doesn’t make any moves to make things better. She says, of our intimacy problem, “Why do I have to make the first move?”

But she’s always busy when I initiate. She’s always on the phone. Always going on girls’ trips.

How do you know when a marriage should be over?

– Out of love

Why not ask your wife if she wants to stay married? Maybe she doesn’t. That would answer a big question.

You could try to answer that question for yourself, too. Is there any reason to stay? Is your commitment a real partnership – or is it more about routine, finances, and history?

What makes you want to keep trying?

You’ve spent decades together, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep the relationship going forever. Sometimes the best way to love someone is to let them go. It sounds like the two of you might thrive as single people, prioritizing your own needs and finding significant others and friends who share your goals.

Really, the kid stuff is in the past – and it sounds like it’s something you can talk about with a therapist. Seek help as you consider disappointments, loses, and the wonderful things that could still happen. Ask your wife if she wants to join you as you figure it all out.

To be very honest, I’m not sure how people know when a marriage is over. I assume it’s different for everyone, and that it’s rarely a quick, easy decision.

You didn’t tell us much about your ups and downs as a couple, only that you didn’t get everything you wanted, and that you’re not happy now.

I think the next step is asking the simplest and scary questions. Such as: “Do we still want this?”

It’s difficult to initiate these conversations, but please try.

– Meredith

Readers? What questions would you ask? How did you know when a marriage was over – or worth working on?

Marriage Divorce

Featured Comment

“The things you don’t say are fascinating, tbh. Why did you finally get married after 20 years? Were you actually together all that time? Or was it like the Steven Wright 24 hour convenience store joke (‘The sign says you’re open 24 hours. Not in a row.’) How old are you both? Why do you try to initiate sex when she is on the phone?”

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