I Regret Ending This Marriage

Wednesday | June 21, 2023

Love Letters Divorce

I Regret Ending This Marriage

Single and stressed? Coupled but it’s complicated? Have a question about your love life or lack thereof? Submit your own question here. You can also email [email protected].

Hi Meredith,

At the end of January, my husband of almost four years and I broke up. Throughout our marriage, there were always fights about him feeling like I didn’t do enough. I worked full time. He was in school for his PhD. I made enough that he didn’t have to work.

It all came to a head during our last fight, when he told me I should quit wasting our time and set him free. This wasn’t the first, second, or third time he’d said this. He mentioned this feeling throughout our marriage. He said he wasn’t happy, that I wasn’t giving him enough affection and sex, and that he should not feel like a celibate man in his early 30s while married (I recently turned 30).

That day, I caved. I told him maybe he was right and that we should break up. He tried reconciling with me after a mediator got involved, but my heart couldn’t do it at the time. I even found out I was pregnant with our first child, but still, my heart wouldn’t budge.

Fast forward to now. I am still pregnant and my heart has started to beat for him again. I kick myself for even responding to him that day and saying anything. My family members were all relieved when we broke up. They felt he was controlling and taking advantage of me. I never felt that way. He feels like I chose my family over him and now he hates my family, blames them for our breakup, and refers to them as “wolves.”

He has started taking to another woman and has told me multiple times that he has moved on, and that because of my family we could never get back together. My question is, how do I navigate through this mess of a heartbreak? Is everything my fault here? I wish we could go back to being married and have our little family like I always wanted. Should I just let go and “move on” like he has? Thank you for reading my letter.

– Pregnant in the South

Everything is not your fault here. Some thoughts:

1. It’s nice to be a talented fiction writer – and it sounds like you are – but this is not the time to make up a story about your marriage. You’re fantasizing about a relationship you didn’t have. You want your little family? A happy married life? That wasn’t what you shared with your husband. He told you he wanted out of your relationship multiple times. Whenever you imagine how wonderful it would be if you were still a couple, remember that you’re inventing something new you could have with someone else.

2. You had a strong feeling in your heart/gut to move on. Follow that instinct. It sounds like you’re feeling grief and loneliness now, but that doesn’t change what you told yourself to do at the most important moment. Trust your past self and your decision. The sadness will evolve over time.

3. Ask one of your “wolves” to tell you how they saw your husband controlling you. It might help to hear the small things they noticed along the way. It sounds like they were paying attention.

4. I find it suspicious that the one moment your husband second-guessed the divorce was when there was a mediator, someone who might divide assets and give you more control. Maybe I’m wrong about motives here, but I think it’s worth mentioning.

5. It would be nice to focus on the new structure of your family and share your life with people who are psyched to be around you. You said, “Throughout our marriage, there were always fights about him feeling like I didn’t do enough.” That’s not how you want it to be. Co-parent, keep it civil, and raise your expectations.

– Meredith

Readers? Tips for getting through the grief of this breakup? Thoughts on whether the LW should have stayed in the marriage?

Family 🖤 Getting back together Divorce

Featured Comment

It’s normal to second guess yourself, especially with a new pregnancy, but it sounds to me like you made the right decision. Enjoy your new life free of his haranguing, and look for someone who wants to be with you.

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