I Didn’t Think Attraction Would Be Essential For The Marriage

Monday | March 6, 2023

Love Letters Divorce

I Didn’t Think Attraction Would Be Essential For The Marriage

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Hi Meredith,

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 10 years, since I was 18, and I married him a year and a half ago (no ceremony, just the paper). But we have been, and still to this day, in a long-distance relationship. I live in Europe and he lives in the States. We meet about three times a year, spending time together roughly three to four months in total. We are waiting for my spouse visa so that I can relocate to where he is so we can finally move in together, ending this long-distance love.

We have good friendship, making the other laugh until one can’t breathe. The communication part is just great. But … I really am not attracted to this man at all. I wanted to save this relationship, and married him because I believed that physical attraction is just sheer lust, fleeting feelings, or something unessential; I think I underestimated it too much. I have denied its importance for a long time, but now I believe that without a basic physical attraction, a long-term relationship is not sustainable – at least for me. Here comes my question: knowing that I will be unhappy in this relationship, would it be wiser to end this marriage BEFORE I relocate to the US, before we buy a house and make financial commitments – or should I give this marriage a chance because maybe I am feeling this way because we are not physically together? Maybe it could work out once we actually live together?

I know I’ve missed so many details, but I would appreciate a set of fresh eyes on this matter. Thank you for you time.

– Underestimated

“Would it be wiser to end this marriage BEFORE I relocate to the US, before we buy a house and make financial commitments?”

Yes.

Spend the next long visit unraveling this relationship. If that visit isn’t happening for months, get on FaceTime and talk about how you’re feeling.

The distance isn’t the one thing in the way of physical attraction. You do get months with him every year, and it sounds like being deprived of him doesn’t make things any more exciting when you finally get together.

Also, you met him when you were a teenager. Young love can last, but in many cases it evolves into friendship or a nice memory. He’s important to you, but that doesn’t mean he’s supposed to be a romantic partner forever.

Attraction is a priority for you. There is nothing wrong with wanting passion, especially if you’ve never had much of it. You sound ready for new experiences, and you’re at a great age – and in a great place – to try.

A separation wouldn’t be overwhelmingly complicated. The emotional part of this would be difficult – it’ll hurt – but you know how you feel. It’s about having the courage to say it and believing that the bigger betrayal might be pretending with him, and keeping him in the dark about your feelings for the rest of your life.

– Meredith

Readers? Worth trying the move?

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