I cheated. How do I get her back?

Friday | February 14, 2025

Love Letters Divorce

I cheated. How do I get her back?

Send your own letter here – or to [email protected]. I’m reading. Taking letters about complicated friendships, too.

My relationship with my soon-to-be ex-wife has been a roller coaster of emotions. We love each other deeply. I am suffering like never before.

We’ve been together for over 20 years. During that time, I’ve cheated on her few times, and she’s forgiven me. But she would always throw it in my face when we would argue.

I do not want to make any excuses or blame her for my behavior, which is deplorable, but I have always told her that sex, to me, is extremely important. I have always been the man of the house, holding our family together both financially and emotionally. The physical part of our relationship made me feel more relaxed, intimate, and in love with her.

She has always been that kind of woman who would do anything for our family and support me when I needed her most, but when it came to the sex part, I always felt she never gave it much attention.

She would also financially cheat on us by spending way too much (included plastic surgeries). Whenever we were on good terms, there was no better woman to be with. I love her more than I love myself, but sometimes had a difficult time expressing myself.

I am now doing therapy to get off this emotional roller coaster. I understand that my behavior is unacceptable and I want to figure out why I cheated on her. But other than that, I have always been a phenomenal person to her.

What would you suggest to do to get myself out of this situation and perhaps win her back? Is it worth it?

– Hopeless man

Continue therapy. Don’t rush it.

You miss/love your wife. But you might find, over time, that the two of you want different things for the future. That means you might be better off single – or with someone else.

It’s unfair to make promises you might not keep. Don’t tell her you want her back no matter what, because you might find that you don’t.

For now, examine where you are. Get to know the new normal. Talk a walk and try new routines. Consider how it feels to alone, but maybe not so lonely. What are you like when no one’s around and there are no expectations?

Follow your therapist’s guidance, of course. I hope you like them, and that you’re talking to them about more than the cheating.

It’s frustrating to hear, but the thing you need is time. You’re answering big questions and that will take a bit. It might be uncomfortable. This is a great moment to reconnect with friends and family – the people who are going to be around no matter what happens next.

– Meredith

Readers? Is this the time to try to get her back? Is financial infidelity up there with the kind we mostly talk about?

Send your own letter here – or to [email protected]. I’m reading.

Breakups 🖤 Cheating Divorce Getting back together

Featured Comment

“when it came to the sex part, I always felt she never gave it much attention.”

Did you ever ask her why? You describe sex very transactionally — you are the breadwinner and her job is to make you “relaxed.” Maybe she’s not getting much out of it.

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