How do I tell my husband the marriage is over?

Tuesday | January 9, 2024

Love Letters Divorce

How do I tell my husband the marriage is over?

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I have been married for almost 30 years. Married young when I was in college and raised two kids that are adults and doing well.

Now that there is more time focused on the marriage, I feel like I am still missing something, and that my husband and I are not really that compatible. While raising the kids, I let many things go that irritated me. I was the sole supporter and he was with the children, as we thought that was the best option. As youngest started driving, I suggested that he go back to work and was told it would interfere with our life and social calendar. I supported various part-time endeavors, all of which he had some excuse to not continue to pursue and ended.

Additionally, I was always helping around the house, did most of the homework with kids (he would say I was better at it), and basically ran the household while working full-time. These days, if we don’t go out with friends, the conversation is dull.

I am feeling that the time for me is now. I have provided for almost 30 years and think we both would be better off with other partners. I don’t feel like I give him the attention he wants, and feel like kissing or sex is just a chore I have to do. He adores me, and leaving him would devastate him, but staying would leave me so unfulfilled. Yes, we have discussed many if not all of our issues; yes, we went to counseling, where I almost asked for a divorce but he said he wanted another try. That was five years ago, and nothing has really changed. I know I have enabled this behavior for years, so I certainly carry some of the blame.

I guess my question is: how do I tell him I want to move on without crushing him? I know there is no other way. Maybe some advice on how to lessen the pain?

– Ready to Go

What a great case for moving on. You’ve thought this through, and it’s exciting to consider the kind of life you’ll build for yourself, with or without a new partner.

Please know that therapy can be a place where you talk about how to leave. You can start the conversation at home and have an appointment on the books to continue it. Sometimes a third party can help couples plan next steps.

You can also offer that as an option when you deliver the news. As in, “Would it be easier to have this conversation with our counselor for some guidance?”

I can’t script that first conversation for you, but maybe it’s best to avoid talking about past problems. You’ve done that already, it seems. Instead, focus on what you want for the two of you now – better lives and more happiness. Keep it hopeful.

A big part of this decision is accepting that you can’t protect your husband from pain. Breakups hurt! Change can be awful. The kids will have to adjust over time, even as adults. This will be painful for you, too.

Staying doesn’t work, but leaving will bring discomfort. Expect that, and know it’s not your job to prevent your loved ones from having feelings. It’s part of the process – and you might become the villain for a bit. Give everybody time to figure out what this looks like.

Really, though, your husband knows you’ve been unhappy. You’ve even worked on it before. Hopefully this will make some sense to him.

– Meredith

Readers? Is there a good way to tell someone a marriage is over? Is causing pain simply part of the process?

Single parents Marriage Divorce

Featured Comment

“You said that he “adores” you and that he’s got a pretty sweet gig of staying home and not working. I don’t think there’s any way you can deliver the news that won’t feel like a complete heartbreak. Apart from not attacking him, owning your part, and pointing to compatibility problems rather than character deficits, I don’t think there’s much more you can do to soften things. If you tried, it would come across as patronizing or sugar-coating.”

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