He’s Still Married

Tuesday | December 29, 2015

Love Letters Divorce

He’s Still Married

I would love an update or two for New Year’s. Former letter writers – send me an update on your situation for the holiday. Tell us whether we were helpful. Send to meregoldstein at gmail. Include your original email address so I know it’s really you.

Hi Meredith,

I have been divorced for six years. I have dated during that time, but never felt connected to any of those people. Plus, I run my own business and am the primary parent for my child, so I do not have a lot of free time to spare. I had pretty much given up on dating when this wonderful man walked into my life last July. He is a great person with a huge heart, work ethic, and style – everything I have been looking for. Because of both of our busy lives, we do not see other often – probably about twice a month. We stay connected with texting and emails and phone calls.

What bothers me is this: he is still legally married. I made it clear to him after I discovered this fact that I was not going to harp on it, but that I was not really invested in dating a married man. He insists he is getting a divorce but due to financial reasons is remaining married “until we straighten it all out.” I have asked him if his wife is dating. He reports to not know. But since we have been dating, she seems to be increasingly behaving in a way that keeps them connected – bringing up issues with their child, posting all over his Facebook page, texting while I’m with him. Is it fair of me to ask for a deadline? He says he is interested in me and wants to just take it slow, which I appreciate. Totally fine with them being friendly co-parents, but not fine when I sense she is wanting to be back with him. I also know that their separation was devastating for him and that he does wish he was still married – he says for their child’s sake. We also live some distance apart, and his wife lives right down his street.

– He’s married

Instead of focusing on his marital status, I want you to think about what’s happening in your own relationship. This man has been around since July, but it doesn’t seem like you guys are getting much closer. I understand that you’re both busy and want to take your time in this relationship, but it would be nice to see each other more than twice a month. Maybe the conversation should be about when that might be possible.

As for the divorce, I get why you’re upset – and it is sort of strange that she’s posting all over his Facebook page. That said, you win nothing by setting deadlines and throwing out ultimatums. It’s always better to ask for a timeline because it focuses on the “why” as opposed to the “when.” After you talk about plans for your own relationship, you can ask him what he means when he says he has to “straighten it all out.” Find out what he has to straighten, and how he wants his life to look when the papers have been signed. His answer should help you set some new expectations for the relationship.

Readers? Should she be worried about his marital status? Is that the issue with this relationship?

– Meredith

Divorce

Featured Comment

Sounds to me like you are choosing to date someone who is not truly available because you don’t have the time to invest in a relationship with someone who is.

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