My girlfriend’s ex-husband just died and she’s anguished. I’m in need of advice about my role in this really weird situation.

She was married to him for 10 years and they ran a business together. She decided that they couldn’t be married and work together, so she divorced him four years ago. It was amicable and they kept the business together after their divorce. They remained and actually became better friends.

She and I are extremely close and have been together in a committed partnership for three years now. We’ve talked about marriage. In the early days I was uncomfortable with the idea she still worked so closely with her ex, but I eventually got over it because I realized it was no threat. After all, she divorced him, she chose me, and in my head, I could see their relationship for what it was and had become – a friendship. Yeah, it bothered me a little bit when she spoke of him fondly or attended to his personal affairs beyond what I would consider to be a co-worker role, but it wasn’t ever really an issue – until last week when he had a stroke and eventually died.

She got word about his condition and dropped everything to be by his bedside. She joined his family in making decisions. She’s been understandably distraught and in anguish ever since. And meanwhile, I’ve been largely shut out. Over the course of the weekend, as planning for the funeral happened, some of his family didn’t want her so involved in the funeral preparations, and she was distraught about it.

Frankly, I was really taken aback by her anguish and her wish to be so involved. She spoke of “so many memories” and was acting like his wife, despite the fact he’s had a girlfriend for years who was at the funeral. She didn’t want me to attend, but I had to hear all about it afterward. She took on the role of being the main person receiving visitors and accepting condolences.

I’ve seen her briefly for about an hour since this all happened, but she was lost to me. She kept getting calls and texts of condolences, and told me “things may never be the same.” I try to be understanding and sympathetic. I know she has a long history with this man and he was a big part of her life. I know my role as boyfriend is to be sympathetic and supportive and that’s what I need to do. But it’s nonetheless hard for me to hear her vent her anguish over losing him with me. The practical side of me knows that I need to give her space and time to grieve, not to take it personally, and that the best thing I can do is to be her rock and be supportive. This isn’t about me, it’s about her. But it’s nonetheless hard – extremely hard – to silently swallow and listen to her talk about the pain of losing another man. And I know I can’t really say, “What about me?”

I don’t know how long I can listen to her anguish over him. Should I tell her I understand but that it hurts me? Withdraw and protect myself? That would only add to her hurt and likely seriously damage any chance at healing in the future. Help!

– She’s grieving