Should I Give Up This Married Man?

Wednesday | August 3, 2016

Love Letters Divorce

Should I Give Up This Married Man?

Hi Meredith,

I’ve been involved with man for about eight months, and for the past six we’ve been exclusive – except for the fact that he’s married. He says he’s in a loveless marriage and that he only married her in the first place because he wanted to a baby. Oh yeah, that too – he just had a kid.

He claims they don’t really hang out but manage to get along like business partners. Conceiving their child is allegedly the first time they had sex in years. Before anything happened between us, we were friends and had an instant attraction. We have a lot of things in common and found it really easy to talk to each other. Once things became physical, I was still seeing other guys but found myself always thinking about or wanting to be with him. While I do believe he cares about me, I don’t really know what I want.

He says that if I ever figure that out and want to be with him, he would leave her. He says he will always be a great father and a good friend, and will make sure everyone is taken care of financially, but he’s willing give up that comfortable and safe life to be with me. When I think about it, I know that’s not what I want. Conversely, when I think about not being with or knowing him, I feel like I got kicked in the chest. I’m not sure what to do.

I love him but sneaking around has become exhausting, and seeing his life go up in flames is not something I want to be a part of. Socially, the backlash is going to sting pretty hard, but I really only care about how it may affect his child. Should I jump ship and be miserable, or risk it all to maybe end up miserable anyways?

– Jump Ship?

“Should I jump ship and be miserable?”

Yes. For sure. Absolutely.

If you don’t want to be part of an extramarital affair, step away from the temptation. The longer you stick around, the more difficult it will be to extract yourself from the mess.

As you tell this man you’ve decided to bail, let him know that the discussion has been all wrong from the start. The future of his marriage shouldn’t be in your hands. If he wants to get single, that’s on him, and only then does this new, less comfortable life become a possibility.

You’ve been capable of dating others while knowing this guy, and your letter suggests that you’re not even sure you want him forever. That means the pain of losing him might not be as bad as you think. Tell this man it’s over, because you know for sure that you don’t want to be involved in someone else’s divorce. Take some time to deal with the loss, and then go back to dating single people.

– Meredith

Readers? Anyone think she should stick around?

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Featured Comment

Why does a man that only married a woman to have a baby, who chooses to stay in a loveless marriage, and who cheats soon after having that baby, even appeal to you. This is what has always baffled me about women who date married men. No part of ‘I cheat on my wife’ is attractive to me. No part of ‘I’m willing to place you second to my wife’ makes me feel special. No part of ‘I will cheat on my wife while she is home learning to be a mom for the first time’ makes me feel like he would be a good partner. No part of ‘I will leave my wife and my infant if you just say the word’ makes me feel like he can be relied on during tough times.

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