Friendship First?

Monday | May 18, 2015

Love Letters Divorce

Friendship First?

Dear Meredith,

I’m in my mid-30s and am a new reader of Love Letters. I’ve been separated for over a year and filed for divorce but am not officially divorced. I’ve taken time for myself, built up friendships, and processed and healed in healthy ways.

Very recently I’ve been interested in dating again, but am uncertain about how to approach things. I’ve run into two types of men. Either they don’t care that I’m not officially divorced and want to jump into dating. This is kind of a red flag for me and seems like too much too soon. Or they do care about my legal status and either say so explicitly or tell me they are only interested in being friends, leaving me to wonder if they’d ever be interested in more.

I’m confused about this: I’ve often heard and read that the most solid, healthy relationships grow out of good friendships, and that often, people can be their most honest selves outside the context of dating. I’ve struggled with having platonic male friends in the past. Is friendship-first a healthier approach to getting to know someone? If so, should my approach be to make a LOT of male friends and increase my chances of a relationship growing from one of those friendships? I guess I am just worried that I’ll end up with just that – a lot of male friends.

– Friends first?

You shouldn’t force friendship if you want more. If you meet a guy and feel some chemistry, you have to see it through.

Some great relationships do grow out of friendships. Love happens that way a lot in the movies. But in real life, which often has us busy with work and other responsibilities, we make quick decisions. If we want to date someone, we do. And that’s OK. It’s no less healthy to get to know someone in the context of a romantic relationship.

Your best bet is to stay honest. Don’t befriend guys you want to date. Don’t date guys you’d rather befriend. Don’t go out of your way to make a bunch of male friends because you think that plan will lead to a magic boyfriend down the road. It just doesn’t work that way.

Readers? Is she ready to date? Should she make male friends first?

– Meredith

Divorce

Featured Comment

Eventually you will be pining for the guy you’ve put in the friendzone and have to write in questing for advice of how to move him from the friendzone to the bedzone.

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