My Family Doesn’t Want Me To Get Divorced

Monday | June 8, 2020

Love Letters Divorce

My Family Doesn’t Want Me To Get Divorced

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Hi Meredith,

I’m 28 years old and struggling. For years I’ve lived my life caring too much about what others thought, especially my very traditional family. I married young and I’ve fallen out of love with my husband. I love him but no longer desire him. He will always have a place in my heart because I feel like I’ve grown up with him to become the person I am today.

We’ve gone to therapy for three years and I’ve tried my hardest, but I cannot rekindle the love I had when we met. I’m no longer the person he met at 21. He is aware of this and has struggled to accept the downfall of our marriage. I also found the courage to open up to my family members about this. They are so set in their ways; my mother shrugged it off and asked me what I’ve done wrong. She went on to say that “all relationships are difficult, deal with it.”

When I’m at my lowest, all I want to know is that I’ll have my family to lean on. Sadly, that is not my case. She went on to go behind my back and speak poorly of me to my husband and blame me for the downfall. She thinks I should try harder or stay in the marriage so others don’t speak negatively about me. In our culture, it’s taboo to even get a divorce. But I want to break that mentality and live my life in peace and find self-love.

This was a few months ago, and I’ve been saving money to move out on my own. I’m terrified to leave, as this would be the first time living on my own (I left my house “the proper” way and got married). How do I move forward with such a big step without the support of my family? How much is enough for me to know I’ll be financially secure to be on my own? And lastly, how do I finally end the toxic behavior of pleasing others and caring about their criticism? Please, I need support now more than ever. Even if that means asking a stranger.

– A Broken Soul

Before I try to answer these questions, let me say that I’m sorry you haven’t had support during this process. You’re right – it would be nice to lean on family right now. I’m sorry you can’t. And that brings us to your first question:

“How do I move forward with such a big step without the support of my family?”

You’re already doing it. You’re saving money, planing your life, and taking every necessary step without your loved ones cheering you on. You’ve been incredibly clear about your intentions, and you’re sticking to them, no matter who says what. You’ve proven that you do not need a team of people behind you to follow your heart. It hurts, but you are your own best support system.

“How much is enough for me to know I’ll be financially secure to be on my own?”

I don’t know where or how you live, so I can’t answer this question. All I can say is that sometimes, when starting a new chapter of life, it isn’t so bad to have a roommate – someone who is a presence in your home, a new connection to the outside world, and helps pays the bills. Do some googling to check out options for housing. Communicating with potential roommates might also remind you that the world is bigger than what you share with your husband and family. Also, find some budgets online. There are so many tools for this kind of planning.

“How do I finally end the toxic behavior of pleasing others and caring about their criticism?”

You’re not going to stop caring about your family’s opinions. You love them and they love you, and they really do think they know what’s best. But give yourself credit for not being so committed to people-pleasing that you’re willing to stay in the marriage. You’re sad about your family’s response to this, but it hasn’t derailed your plan.

Consider seeing a therapist on your own, and remember that as you become more independent, you can begin to seek out chosen family – new friends who might offer a different perspective. Also know that after time passes, everyone’s opinions about this might change. Let your family see what you look like when you’re happy.

– Meredith

Readers? Advice on taking steps without the support of family?

Family 🖤 Divorce