Worried about a loved one’s unhealthy relationship
We’ll take a long break for travel and the holiday. Please be safe this week. Eat well. Catch up on the Love Letters podcast in the car. The latest episode is about situationships, and involves a woman who has an emotional meltdown after a date at a pizza making class. The episode right before it features Globe columnist Christopher L. Gasper.
As you relax (hopefully) and spend time with loved ones (or don’t), please send in your questions about relationships. This season, I’d love to hear about friendships, dating fatigue, new relationships, old relationships, whatever weird drama you experience at home, hopes for next year … send it all through the anonymous form – or email [email protected]. I’m listening.
Q.
My widowed mother-in-law has been lonely since losing her husband more than five years ago, and recently began dating a deeply religious man whose values differ greatly from hers.
Although she repeatedly says they’re not a good fit, she continues to see him and let him help around her house. After less than two months, he shamed her for sleeping with him, called her a sinner, and pressured her to either keep their relationship secret or marry him.
She claimed to have ended things, yet he was soon back at her house. Now she’s going on a retreat with him because she feels sorry for him and fears he might harm himself. I’m worried she’s being manipulated (and she may be manipulating him), and that he may be trying to take advantage of her emotionally or financially. I’m unsure how to believe her or how to protect my family in this situation – do you have any advice?
– Concerned
A.
My advice is to educate her – with books, pamphlets, websites, whatever you can get your hands on.
We all think we know what counts as abuse and manipulation, but it’s easy to miss the signs when we’re in the middle of it. A factsheet that focuses on abuse would tell her she can’t stay with someone simply because she fears they might be a danger to themselves. No one should remain in a bad relationship because the other person seems to need it.
We’ve talked about the Power and Control Wheel here, and on the Love Letters podcast. Sometimes people read this tool and are shocked to see the parts of it that match their experience – or their own behavior. Show your MIL, point to the financial part, and explain that it can look as simple as demanding money for something like a retreat.
Tell your spouse to be 100 percent honest with their mother about how this makes them feel. Yes, everybody is worried, but they’re also scared for themselves, right? You and your partner are both frightened you might lose your MIL, and that she might lose herself.
Explain these feelings, with details. Ask how your family can help her make a real break from this man (changed locks, more activities with you, etc.).
Also ask what she needs for support. Is this about needing more attention and things to do? Is it about finding more grief support after losing her spouse? Does she need therapy to process a new phase of life? Find out what’s on her mind.
The retreat does sound like a step in the wrong direction. If she doesn’t trust him, she shouldn’t be traveling with him.
A good time to talk about all of this? How about a long holiday weekend.
– Meredith
Readers? How do you know how much to step in when someone seems to be in a bad relationship?
What’s on your mind about you relationships with other humans (or AI, for that matter). Ask questions about dates, no dates, love, divorce, friendship, friend crushes, breakups, getting back out there, in-law drama, or whatever, through the anonymous form – or email [email protected].
Be civil. Be kind.
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