Wondering about the morality of this

Thursday | January 23, 2025

Love Letters Dating

Wondering about the morality of this

Something I’ve never seen addressed in your column.

I am a woman in the winter of my life, widowed in the last couple of years. While my husband was still alive, through one of his hobbies, I met one of his acquaintances. This man and I had had very short interactions on a few occasions.

Shortly after my husband passed, we had a conversation in which he showed great interest in getting together with me. He told me about his life and how lonely he was. Without being explicit, he let me know he was looking for a companion and more. The problem: his wife was now living in a care facility for dementia after he had been a caretaker for many years. For a number of reasons, this being one, we did not get together.

My question: is it morally right to get involved sexually with someone whose spouse is in this state – and will be for the rest of their life?

– What’s right?

A big question. Thanks for bringing it to us.

I happen to think it’s moral. I believe there are many ways to love a partner, and that you can take care of a spouse in a memory care facility while finding happiness and companionship with someone else.

But that’s just me. There is no one set of rules for this. You might decide that pursing a relationship with this man would be a terrible betrayal of marital vows. We’re allowed to have different gut feelings about this.

My greater question is whether he’s in a place where he can give you what you want, whatever that is. I don’t know anything about his caregiving responsibilities. I imagine they’re more manageable, now that he has help from professionals.

If you’re still interested, ask him out for a meal. Maybe it’ll help to find out what he wants – and why this feels OK to him.

This is a question with a lot of nuance. Get the details before you make a big decision. It can start with a simple dinner.

– Meredith

Readers? Thoughts on this? Have you had conversations with a partner about how marriage might change later in life?

Send your own question. What’s on your mind about money, exes, dating, love, loss, friendship, marriage, etc.? Submit your letter by using the anonymous form, or email [email protected]

Health 🖤 Dating Cheating

Featured Comment

I think you should do what works for you and this man, but I will interject a little caution here. … If there are adult children in the picture, he must get their blessing or he’ll be faced with an awful decision. Just look for possible collateral damage and if there is none, then you have your answer.

HikerGal128NH Share Thoughts