I Wish He Put More Effort Into His Texts

Friday | January 29, 2021

Love Letters Dating

I Wish He Put More Effort Into His Texts

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I’m 19 and I recently started dating this guy I really like. He is my first boyfriend. We’ve been dating for five months now and like most relationships, there have been some good and bad times. My boyfriend has an idea of where he wants our relationship to go and judging from it, it’s the same thing I have always wanted. He tells me that his family knows about me. He also says other things that suggest he wants a long-term relationship with me.

But what bothers me are his behavioral changes. Sometimes he seems like he doesn’t want to converse with me. He says he’ll call but ends up not doing so, he takes a lot of time to reply to my texts, and sometimes he just doesn’t, even though he is online. (We could even be chatting at night and he just ignores my text and later goes to sleep without a goodnight.) It really makes me feel upset and insecure about his feelings toward me. Not that I compare him to other of my male friends, but they usually apologize for a late reply or if they fall asleep during our text conversations. But my boyfriend doesn’t, and it makes me wonder if he really values my feelings. And whenever he apologizes for something, he does it casually like, “sorry was a bit busy,” instead of “sorry I was a bit busy,” which I feel is more sincere. One day we were talking about his family and he said “will take u there one day.” Maybe I am just being dramatic but I think I would appreciate it more if he used the “I” a bit more on sensitive matters.

Sometimes I can’t help my feelings and just turn cold toward him whenever he does this. It’s my first love but it doesn’t mean I have to put up with his inconsistency. If he truly loves me, he should be interested in taking care of my feelings. I don’t want to push him away.

I would really appreciate your help on this one.

– thank u

It sounds like you’re expecting some mind reading here. His communication style is different than yours, but you haven’t told him that it bothers you. I’m not saying he should have to change, by the way, but it’s a good time for the two of you to learn to compromise. Maybe it’s about having more conversations over the phone and setting up a talking date, like it’s a real date. If you want more something more formal – an exchange that really helps you understand how he feels about something – a FaceTime is even better. You can’t read the room if you can’t see it. Ask about calls or something visual, and then the tiny messages become less important.

Also, some people are attached to their phones all day and assume that other people are always available to return their messages. But maybe he’s not like that. Perhaps he’s being present with his family and checking his phone every now and then. It’d be good to find out so you don’t read into his silence.

The main thing I want point out, though, is that you seem very focused on his feelings for you. I want to remind you that five months into your first relationship, you’re still evaluating him. You can’t know whether you want something long-term with him because everything is still so new. Instead of trying to decode his intentions, remember that yours count just as much. You might decide in a month that he’s not quite what you want. Give yourself permission to take it week by week. Or even day by day.

– Meredith

Readers? Texting styles? can u help pls.

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Featured Comment

This really is a You problem. His lack of ‘I’ while texting is small potatoes. You are going to have to adjust to his style of communication. It is not up to him to make these changes to show how much he loves you. If it helps you can explain to him the trouble you are having but ultimately you are going to have to deal.

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