Why was a dating app on his phone?

Friday | October 6, 2023

Love Letters Dating

Why was a dating app on his phone?

The other day, my boyfriend asked me how to find something on his phone in his settings. While looking at the apps he had on his phone, I saw one that I had heard of before as a dating app. It’s not quite marketed as a dating app, but rather a place to “find friends” – but I know for a fact people use it as a dating app.

When I asked him why he had the app, he immediately responded that he must have forgotten to delete it. He wasn’t quite sure what the app was, but when I explained it to him, he attempted to reassure me that he’s extremely forgetful and must have forgotten to delete it before we got together. He spoke about the fact that he used dating apps before we met, but deleted them all, but that he didn’t even recognize he had it on his phone. He opened the app and showed me he wasn’t logged in, and I even asked to see his app history which showed it was downloaded before we met each other.

On one side of things, this is extremely believable because he is one of the most forgetful people I know. I keep track of his keys and wallet because he never knows where they are, and recently he forgot his own mom’s birthday. On the other hand, this brings up so many insecurities for me because I found my recent ex talking to other women when I went through his phone.

My boyfriend has given me absolutely no reason not to trust him prior to this, but now I have a deep need to questioning everything. I have a history of an anxiety disorder and am a chronic over-thinker, making it hard for me to trust my own judgment, especially because of my past, when I thought my ex wasn’t a bad guy. Now I’m left questioning not only my boyfriend, but my own judgement.

I want to believe him and move on, but I’m not sure how. This all happened very recently and I spoke to him yesterday about how I’m still uneasy, and he keeps asking me what he can do to help me believe that it was an honest mistake, but I don’t know what to do. He showed me his history on other socials because I stared to doubt he wasn’t talking to people. My mind is very flustered, so some guidance or advice would be nice. I really love him and he’s been such a good partner to me, but this is difficult.

– Flustered

The guy who shows his girlfriend his phone settings probably doesn’t have anything to hide. He’s not even logged in on the app. That should be all the proof you need.

A basis of comparison: I’m not the most organized person (an understatement). I looked at my phone today and noticed about 10 apps I don’t use, including a few I downloaded years ago. One is designed to scan documents.

This letter prompted me to delete a bunch of stuff, but otherwise those apps would be sitting there forever.

The bigger issue here is why you can’t give yourself a break and let this go. I understand why you fear betrayal and getting hurt. Also, I have great empathy for over-thinkers, as a member of the club. But you have to figure out a way to stop the routine after a threat turns out to be no big deal.

The dating app isn’t an issue, so how can you move on? Do you have exercises you can do to stop thinking about something that scared you? Would it help to listen to music, call a friend and ask about their day, or step outside for a change of scenery?

I recommend talking to a therapist about ways to break out of these cycles. Also, ask about making peace with an uncontrollable future. You and your boyfriend might break up for reasons that have nothing to do with an app or cheating. Maybe you’ll get bored with each other. You also might wind up together forever, and happily so.

You can’t predict your path. All you can do is make decisions with the information you have, which is exactly what you’ve done. You’re allowed to move on from a difficult moment and enjoy what’s in front of you.

– Meredith

Readers? Any reason to be stressed here? How do you stop yourself from applying past experiences to the present?

Dating Cheating Snooping

Featured Comment

“I have a zillion apps on my phone that either I tried once and forgot or else they were pushed onto my phone and I didn’t know it. I rarely bother to purge the unused ones. Don’t you have the same thing going on, LW? If you know that you have all this insecurity and anxiety and you let it control you, then you are going ruin a good relationship. Do something to fix yourself. This is your problem alone.”

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