Why Am I The Loner?

Wednesday | May 4, 2016

Love Letters Dating

Why Am I The Loner?

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Why can’t I find someone to be in a long-term relationship with? I’m 40 and I’ve only been in one relationship that lasted over a year. All others have been no more than a few months. The one I had was in my 30s, and it was fantastic – lots in common and so easy for us to be with each other. I did feel like I had to work hard initially to get us together, though. When I go on dates, I rarely feel like I’m being pursued, and that apathy is a turnoff.

It just seems to happen for other people – certainly by this age – but not for me, and I can’t figure out why I’m such an outlier. I’m conventionally attractive but unconventional otherwise, so maybe it’s tough for me to find a good match? Maybe where others hang on to an unsatisfying relationship, I prefer to go it alone? Do I have a superiority complex and think no one’s good enough for me? Do I subconsciously not want a relationship? What IS it? Why am I a lifelong loner?

– Lifelong loner

Sometimes meeting a partner is about luck. Sometimes it’s about timing. Often, though, it has a lot to do with need. If you’re 40 and content with your life, you might feel less urgent about becoming part of a couple. That means dating might be a more random, sporadic process.

The one thing I’d recommend is to make sure that you don’t confuse contentment with apathy. You’re bound to meet potential partners who are a lot like yourself – busy people who are doing well on their own. They might not pursue you with desperation. That doesn’t mean they’re not interested or that you shouldn’t give them your time.

Also know that you’re not alone. If everyone in your group is 40 and coupled, grow your circle. Find a community where you’re not the outlier.

– Meredith

Readers? Is this LW an outlier? Is this about wanting to be pursued?

Dating

Featured Comment

It sounds like you’re breaking off these relationships because you’re looking for the thrill of a new relationship, and can’t understand why it dissipates. You get the thrill in the first few months. Then it fades as the honeymoon ends. You have to decide to build closeness and togetherness after that.

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