First, there is no competition between friends and family. For some, an introduction to parents or siblings means everything. To others, it’s all about friends and chosen family. There’s no “most important” rule that applies to everyone.

Second, I do not understand the whole “hookup to exclusivity while married” thing (not sure who was married, if that was a stress, etc.), but perhaps you didn’t introduce this woman to your friends because the relationship wasn’t in a clear place. Maybe you didn’t know how to explain who she was to you, so you avoided situations where you’d have to figure it out – in front of spectators. I could be wrong! But I do wonder whether she was right to wonder whether the lack of introductions reflected problems in the relationship.

As for when an introduction should happen … well, there’s no one time. If you’re seeing someone you like, you could take them to an event or meal with one to two other people. Fun people. You don’t have to start with your most important friends. Sometimes it’s nice to have a test run with someone who can just hang out without interrogating your new significant other because they care so much.

It might help to identify your best meet-and-greeter. I have a cousin who’s super interesting, funny, asks great questions, and has a weird power to make a room feel calm. All of my friends think she’s the best, even if they’ve barely spent time with her. She’s a good representative of people and things I care about. This cousin also trusts me to run my own life – she knows that when I tell her something or introduce her to someone new, I’m not looking for a pass or fail.

Anyway, she’s my pick for “person who can show up, meet someone, and be cool.” 

Find yours. 

Also, to that cousin: yes, I should take you to dinner.

– Meredith