We’re twins, but not the same in our dating lives
Giveaway alert: Win your way in to a Love Letters free preview screening of “Another Simple Favor” with a guest. It’ll be on April 24 in Boston, and I’ve reserved the whole theater for a great night. Get details here.
Also, if you are a twin, can you give some feedback on this letter? My mom was a twin, and I know there was a different kind of attachment with her sister – and perhaps a need to compare life choices. I want to hear from twins – or siblings close in age – about how they felt in line, or out of line, with decisions as they got older.
Q.
Hi Meredith! Long-time reader here!
I am writing in about my twin sister. Throughout our teen years and into college, I brought home boyfriends and openly talked about my dating life with my sister and our parents. My sister, on the other hand, is a very private person. She has never brought home a partner or anyone she has dated and she has only told me about her dating life twice in our entire live.
Both times it was very casual, recounting a first date with a guy from Hinge and not much else. My sister also has an incredibly supportive friend group and busy social life. She goes on vacation with her friends, concerts, dinners, etc. She has expressed that she knows she has to put herself out there and go on some dates, but that at this point, this person would have to bring her more joy than her friends do and she doesn’t see that happening.
For context, we are both 30, and this past year I got married. My husband and I are planning to have kids in the next few years. I want to help her but I also can’t openly ask her about her dating life without her shutting me down or getting defensive. My mom has also tried but can’t seem to get through. The thing is, how do I help? I’ve been taking a back seat to this my entire life, figuring that she will talk to me or introduce me to someone when she is ready, but it’s never happened. And the thing is, I can tell it bothers her. I can tell she is upset about it. But I don’t know how to help someone who doesn’t necessarily want my help? Maybe I should just continue to be supportive from afar but I can’t help but wish she had someone to grow with like I do.
Would love any advice!
– Sisters
A.
“I can tell she is upset about it.”
Are you sure about that? She might want to meet someone, and yes, maybe she’s lonely at times. But she’s going to concerts, traveling with friends, and having great dinners. Her life sounds good to me.
Also, she’s 30. These days, a lot of people aren’t looking for partners in their 20s. Maybe she’s just getting to the place where she might be able to think about a more serious relationship.
I speak to you as someone who took her time and was on her own schedule. Sure, there were moments at 30 when I wished I had a significant other. But really, I was happy with my community. Sometimes I felt unfinished or uncomfortable with my life, but … usually that was when I was around someone who seemed to be disappointed by my priorities and pace.
And that’s why I say this: she doesn’t have to do what you’re doing, and she doesn’t have to do it on your schedule. If she remains single, she’ll grow old with many wonderful people, including you. Help her if she asks, but know you can’t magically find her a partner.
If it’s been a long time since you’ve had a conversation about this, remind her that you’re always there to set her up.
Please acknowledge – to her face – that she has a full and fantastic life. That might make her more willing to talk about other things in the future.
– Meredith
Readers? Please, twins, weigh in on this. Also, what do you think help from this letter writer would look like? How is this letter different from the dad one? Or the mom one?
What’s on your mind about love and money, exes, dating, love, loss, friendship, marriage, etc.? Submit your letter by using the anonymous form, or email [email protected].
Be civil. Be kind.
Read our full community guidelines.To comment, please create a screen name in your profile
To comment, please verify your email address