We’re Having A Baby

Tuesday | July 24, 2018

Love Letters Dating

We’re Having A Baby

I was married for more than a decade, until 2016. I began dating a few months after we split and enjoyed single life. The following December (2017) I started dating a guy against my better judgment, as he was 10 years younger and still in his 20s. It was fun and nothing serious – until he started talking like it could be. We started spending every weekend together. He talked about the future, getting married, and having children with me. At first this worried me, but I did really like him and had started to fall in love with him.

Fast forward to this past April, and I discover I’m pregnant. His reaction wasn’t what I expected. At first he’s sympathetic and says he’ll stand by me whatever I decide. But the moment the opportunity presented itself, he insisted we end the pregnancy. We discussed it at length, and then he changed his mind, and we both decided we wanted to keep it. It’s a decision we are both now happy with.

A few things have happened, though, that have left me feeling insecure. 1. Right before I found out about the pregnancy, I found him on Tinder. This was after a message came through on his phone. I asked him about it and he said he hadn’t met up with anyone or done anything. 2. My colleagues convinced me to set up a fake Facebook profile as another woman and send him a friend request. He accepted the request, and after I messaged him, he responded. This was only days after finding out about the pregnancy. It led to nothing, but he did flirt with her. I confronted him about this, and he told me he’d been confused and wasn’t sure what he wanted.

We agreed not to talk for a bit, to give it space. When we got together for our next medical appointment, he said he’d been overwhelmed by all of the changes, but that he was sure he wanted this. He told me I could have unlimited access to his phone. He told his family about the baby and has introduced me to them. He is now very excited about the situation.

But because he has lied in the past, I struggle to believe the things he tells me. It doesn’t help that he goes out with his friends and their significant others and doesn’t invite me along. He always says he will “next time.” I also saw a few Whatsapp messsges to his friends on his phone where they ask if he would prefer to settle down with someone younger, and he says he would.

This weekend he has a party with his family. His sister-in-law asked if I would be attending, and I told her I wasn’t sure. Should I be concerned about this? We haven’t been together that long, but I am having his baby. Could he be delaying introducing me to his friends and some of his family because he’s embarrassed? He said not, but his behavior tells me something else. I’ve introduced him to my friends and he’s attended events with me. I have to remember that he’s only 25 and hasn’t had a big relationship before now. This is a lot of change for him, but am I heading for heartache and disaster?

– x

You need to be more realistic about your romantic relationship. You and this man have been together for less than a year. Four months of that relationship has been filled with heavy talk, decisions, and appointments. Really, you’re just getting to know each other.

Instead of pretending that you and this 25-year-old can commit for life, admit that the baby is one decision, and lifetime partnership is another. Right now, all you know for sure is that you’ll be sharing a child with this person. The rest of the relationship is up in the air.

The best thing you can do right now – as you continue to plan for this child – is to be genuine about where you are and what both of you can expect from each other. Let him know you understand the relationship is still new. Tell him you have high hopes, but that you also want to be realistic. Who knows what will happen?

Something tells me that if you stop pressuring him to be 100 percent in at eight months (and stop checking his phone!), you’ll have the space to enjoy each other’s company. At the very least, you’ll be in a better place to have honest conversations.

As for his family and friends, know that he might need to go to some of these social events alone. He’s processing huge life changes, and might want the support of his community – without an audience. And that’s OK. You probably need that, too.

– Meredith

Readers? Where should they be in their relationship?

Dating

Featured Comment

You need to decide if you want to be a single mom. This guy is telling you what he thinks you want to hear — but the reality is he has no idea what to do or what he wants. His enjoyment of his young bachelorhood has been seriously derailed. Count on him for nothing. Maybe he will circle back to you, maybe he won’t. But plan on facing the consequences of your actions alone.

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