We were happier when we were in a long-distance relationship
Write me a letter to read this weekend. Taking all questions about dating, not dating, apps, breakups, friendships, divorce … everything. Send a letter to [email protected] or use the anonymous form.
Also: Love Letters is hosting a screening of “The Idea of You,” about a single mom who is courted by a boy band star, this month – in Boston. It’ll be a fun night of hanging out and watching Anne Hathaway be an object of affection. If you want to enter to attend, sign up here.
Q.
My partner (man, late 30s) and I (woman, early 30s) met while I was on a work trip abroad (we worked for the same company). We were quickly infatuated with each other, and a few months later, after countless FaceTimes and texts, we officially started to date. The pandemic forced us to stay apart for two years, and he finally moved to America two years ago.
He hates it here, he became severely depressed – very anxious and isolated. Just overall sick. I tried to care for him and love him through it, but he’s not the person I dated long-distance, and I don’t like who he’s been here, even if he’s gotten some what better.
We rarely have sex (which we view differently too), and we don’t have many shared interests. He’s tried to be involved, but I can tell he’s doing things for me, not because he wants to be social, etc. We’ve been talking at length about our options – moving back to his country to give our relationship a new chance, or breaking up. My heart is torn between these options. Should I leave my job/family/country and continue trying with someone I’m not sure I want to marry/have kids with anymore?
– Torn
A.
Starting a relationship long-distance is rough. It’s difficult to know what you’re waiting for.
But now, for you, it’s clear, right? It’s time to say goodbye because this isn’t working.
You experienced a wonderful and deep connection with this man, but it was better from afar, and not the kind of relationship you want to keep forever.
This arrangement is bad for both of you, and it sounds like it would be similar if you were on his turf. You’d be missing your entire community, putting everything on the line for one person who needs to prioritize himself.
I know you’ve spent years waiting for him, but sometimes it takes that long to figure out that you need to let go. Blame distance or the pandemic. It lasted this long not because you had such a healthy, wonderful relationship, because you were delayed by so many external forces.
Walk away as people who care about each other enough to leave when it counts. Tell him how much you want him to be happy, and that you’d like to find happiness too.
You know the answer here. Happy to validate it.
– Meredith
Readers? Have you ever started a relationship with distance? Did it work? Send your own question to [email protected] or use the anonymous form.
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