Am I Unhappy With Him Or Just Unhappy?

Tuesday | May 1, 2018

Love Letters Dating

Am I Unhappy With Him Or Just Unhappy?

It’s podcast day. Enjoy episode 7. Also, come to the Waltham Library tonight. Bring a book club friend. Or come alone and have a cookie.

My boyfriend of more than two years and I had a long conversation tonight that was much overdue. For context, we graduated from college last May and took time apart when he felt like he wasn’t sure what our future held. We got back together, and now and live and work in the same city. I’ve been pretty unhappy in said city and with my job, and on top of that have been questioning the future of our relationship.

There are a host of reasons that make me doubt if he’s marriage material for me (quite frankly I don’t believe in “the one”). I voiced the thoughts that have been looming in my head, and he challenged me by asking if I felt this way simply because I’m unhappy with other areas of my life. I don’t think he’s wrong, but I also still don’t know if I could see myself marrying him. But it breaks my heart to think about losing my best friend. Our conversation ended without a clear answer and I’m so confused.

– Confused

Your boyfriend might be right. It’s possible that your not-so-great job and the uncomfortable transition out of college might be affecting the way you see everything, including your relationship. It’s also possible that you’re pressuring yourself to figure out what you’ll want in a marriage long before that kind of question needs to be answered.

But … the more probable truth is that you have some problems to deal with, and that you’d rather address them without having to think about another person. Maybe you want to move to another city – alone. Maybe you want to quit your job and go back to school. All of those decisions become more difficult when you’re planning with someone else. Is it possible you feel stuck with the status quo because your boyfriend is part of the package?

It’s difficult to advise you without knowing the list of reasons he’s not marriage material, but I trust that you know best. The biggest thing I get from your letter is that you might need a new best friend. At the very least, you might need to start leaning more on close friends who are not your boyfriend. That might make this decision easier.

– Meredith

Readers? Is the LW simply unhappy about other things?

Dating